i use the word superfluous in everyday conversation

This turned into a resolution-ish statement. Not really intended to be... but whatever works, I suppose.

Six-ish hour car van ride happenings
(events, discussions, and my own meandering mind)
with myself, Stephanie Haila, and three sleeping persons.

Hour One: Hidden Acres Reminiscing / Story time/ Everything changes so muchhh.

My thoughts during hour one: 

I'm building a legacy at this place I love,

but who am I doing it for?

Is the legacy

"Grace was great counselor"

or is it

"This camp is 100% Christ-centered,

and I want my kids going there to strengthen their faith 

and to learn what fell0wship really looks like"

 well,

there are people who were around camp for years

investing time and sacrificing better-paying jobs

to impact kids' lives.

They were legendary counselors,

but nobody remembers their names after a few years.

What they left, though,

the thing that was immortalized,

was the effect they had on camp and the kids and the people they were working with.

How they glorified Christ through their words and actions.

I don't want to do anything for me,

I want it all to be for Him.

My sinful selfishness gets in the way.

but I'm working on it.

 *end thoughts*

 

Hour Two: Steph = driving. Me = joining the other slug-a-beds in a brief slumber.

Hour Three: Listen to all Jon Foreman's season EPs. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.  
 

My thoughts during hour three: 

I have a rock 

that I need to depend on

MUCH more than I have been.

Why would I want my future to be in my hands anyway?

- - - - -

Nobody likes it when a relationship begins rapidly and flawlessly.

Seriously. It's the worst.

Pam and Jim finally got together,

got married and had a baby...

what happened?

>> Steve Carell leaves <<

And the office starts to look a little bit

like the plane 5 minutes into Madagascar 2.

hillarious, but depressing.

also, shut up. I know it's not the best analogy. 

- - - - -

I WANT CONFLICT

and thennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

I WANT RESOLUTION
I want  a written, choreographed, real-life journey.

"Oneday,

I will walk with you,

Across this bridge,

We're building,

And my heart will say,

What can't be said.

But for now

I'll keep my tongue tied,

And let the pages unfold,

If time is against us,

Our love will be young,

When we're old."

I want to struggle and lament and wrestle with my singleness.

And find peace.

And THEN, well.

"Whatever, God...

Do with me as you wish."

I want to give my life over to Him,
but I still have all these things that I'm longing for;
I want to take the wheel,
...But I wouldn't know where to go if I had it.
"We're either riders or fools behind the reigns" 
It's a work in progress.

 *end thoughts*

LUNCH BREAK!

HOUR FOUR: What are Grace's life plans for the next five years? Gab gab gab. What is going on in Steph's life? Gab gab gab gab gab. Lot's of quality catch-up chatting. (shocked that we didn't start with this? samesies.)

My thoughts during hour four:

I know where I want to be

I know who I want to be

I have no clue where I'll actually be

But I know without a doubt that,

if I let Him,

my God will shape and orchestrate me and my life.

So where will I be in five years?

Where ever He wants, I guess.

It's a hard thing to have complete faith in.

but I'm working on it..

it's a work in progress.

*end thoughts*

HOUR FIVE: personality analysis  = my favorite thing. It's my favorite thing.

Thoughts during hour five:

I am SO motivated by recognition.

At least in terms of creating something,

I'm 100% fueled by positive acknowledgment

it scares me a little bit.

It's unstable,

unreliable. 

It reminds me of how human I am.

"This blood is fire rushing through my veins"

It's just another example

of how much I cling to worldly things,

opinions, expectations.

Last night I made a new page in my book

with a poem someone in my church wrote, 

and a song someone at my church performed..

And then I sat in my room

and cried.

Thanking God for the inspiration that came straight from Him

to bring different mediums together,

all intended to glorify Him.

I want to channel all that praise back to the original Author,

but it's hard when that pride is my energy.

I can't pry it from my clenched fists,
though;

I want my heart to be in the right place--

I want to give it back willingly.

sincerely.

genuinely.

I'm working on it...

it's a work in progress.

*end thoughts*

HOUR SIX:  Listen to Mark Driscoll on Joy in Suffering.

Thoughts during hour six:

Suffering isn't God punishing me for my sin.

I sometimes get tricked into feeling that way.

But my sin has been bought.

It's been paid for.

Jesus was tortured and murdered for it,

and He is no longer in the grave.
HE IS NO LONGER IN THE GRAVE

Suffering is an opportunity.

The way I react to it entirely determines the fruit of it.

If I get bitter and angry at God,

I'm no different than the world.

If I take it with continuous joy and patience

and let a love that I could never comprehend pour out of me...

"You shine like stars in the universe."

I have to constantly remind myself to be a lighthouse.

That's why I'm here.

 And it's not easy, but it's not my own strength that I'm depending on, anyway.

It's hard, but He's helping me work on it.

*end thoughts*

Andddddddddddddddddd..... I'm HOME! 


Jesus,
Thank you for suffering.
For directing
orchestrating
shaping
uplifting 
encouraging
and loving me more than I could ever,
with this earthly body and human mind,
comprehend.
Help me behave like a person who has received more than I could ever deserve
Help me shine. 
Always, only, ever for You.

burn, burn

All I want is time.
Free, expansive, unimpeded time.
to do with as I please.
Time to play my guitar.
All I want to do is play my guitar until my fingers bleed.
And then I'll superglue them shut and play more, more, more.
I want time to create art,
as much as I want, in whatever medium I want
at my own leisurely pace,
with no one telling me that taking the ACT
and applying for colleges is more important.
My grandchildren won't care how many colleges I applied to.
They won't treasure my test scores and show them to their children.
My great-grandmother's paintings are hanging all around my house.
I want time to read,
and not, like, obscure excerpts from King Lear
or random short stories about racial tension that my AP lit teacher piles on us.
I want to get lost in scripture for hours
and not have to worry about anything but what is pouring into me.
Last night I was 34 psalms deep
...when I got a text from a friend.
There are other distractions in my life that I want to have the option of escaping from.
I want to re-read all my favorite books,
and I want time to sit for an hour after i've finished them,
and just revel in their poetic construction and meaning.
I want time to laugh with my nieces.
And not worry about all the other pressing, 'important' things I need to be doing.
I want to swing and play dress-up and sing for hours.
I want time to go on a walk.
just walk around
in the cold and the still and the silence
and marvel at my Creator's creation.
That would be the greatest christmas present ever,
besides maybe the guitar that my mom is trying to hide in her room,
if someone were to simply ask me if I would like to go on a walk.
where to?
where ever we end up.
nothing else to do today
nothing we should be worrying about
no deadlines to meet.
I've already taken the stupid ACT...
I want to take an entire day
to just call all the people I haven't spoken with since summer,
people whose lives I wanted to invest it to a great extent,
until I let my busy schedule get in the way.
There's no excuse for that.
There were ministry opportunities that faded away
as I watched from behind my planner
filled with scratchy notes and reminders.
I feel like there isn't enough time in the world for me
to do whatever it is I'm supposed to do.
to be whoever it is I'm supposed to be.
to blossom like a flower in early spring,
growing in my creativity
and my understanding
my faith
my love
my joy
my influence
my conviction
I want to grow into whatever sort of woman God wants me to be.
I want to calm the chaos
I want to invigorate the mundane.
I want to never say any commonplace thing
or settle for mediocre.
I want to be set ablaze
to have an insatiable thirst for more of beauty, light, love, my God.




I want more.




The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
...And miles to go before I sleep.

-Robert Frost

i am strange.

i fidget incessantly.

i hate the smell of roses.
i will spend days just reading for hours and hours.

i am always tired.

except when i have way too much energy,

which is really often.

i am an underground musician.

i am loud.
i am obnoxious.
but i also love spending hours in perfect silence.

i can waste astonishing amounts of time on art projects.

i'm quite irresponsible.
i frequently burst into song.
i am never satisfied with myself
i have an impressive lack of coordination.

i have seen almost no disney movies.

i am easily irritated.
i have an astonishing memory...
i can memorize massive chunks of scripture
and huge passages from my favorite books,
and i will remember them for years without trying,
but i forget things that people tell me almost instantly.
i say oof-da when i sneeze.
i whistle. a lot.

i make dozens of paper cranes every day.
i'm incredibly passionate about seemingly random things.
i love biking.
i think pictures tell the best stories.
i want to write a book with my camera.
i really love hugs. a lot.

i laugh at things that aren't funny.

i cry over things that aren't sad.

i argue about things that don't matter.

i constantly procrastinate

with almost everything,

but if i have a task that i'm set on accomplishing,

i will not rest until it's finished.

yesterday, i had at least three hours of homework that i could have done.

instead, i literally spent seven hours making christmas cards.

"I could drown in your kerosene eyes"

Where Do My Bluebird Fly?