my heart is breaking, overflowing

You are so loving, so kind-hearted.
One of the most generous, forgiving souls
I've ever had the pleasure of meeting.
And yet you're on a path to destruction
paved with sweet thoughts and good deeds
that will fool everyone
right up until it really matters.
On that Day,
do you think the perfect, holy, almighty God
will look at all your shiny happy actions
and give you a pat on the head
and a first-class ticket to paradise?
You sin just like the rest of us,
like everyone who has ever lived
---apart from one.
And that One
was mocked and tortured and murdered
and had the horrific wrath of a righteous Judge poured on him
to save us all from the death we earned for our sinfulness.
For the sake of mankind.
FOR YOU.
You've lived a wonderful life;
that much can be seen from the surface.
But do you think it counts for eternity?
No matter how good we are,
we don't deserve it.
We can't earn it.
And if we try to do it on our own,
we scorn his shame
and set ourselves on a steadfast course to Hell.
Forever is coming.
Each day of our Earthly life wisps by as eternity draws nearer and nearer.
And saying that you don't quite know what you believe,
or that your idea of God is just different,
or that you've got your whole life to figure it out
is a cop-out.
And it doesn't change anything.
My heart breaks daily
for the condition of your soul.
But I want you to know
that, while I ache constantly out of love for you,
I rest in this assurance:
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt
that if our Creator chooses to give you a glimpse of eternity
and enables you to see His all-surpassing grace,
you will be irresistibly drawn to Him.
I long for that day.
I pray for it earnestly.
I love you.

Dear Mom and Dad (and other people that care),

I really love breakfast.
It turns a good day into a great day.
I found the best morning routine ever. It involves getting up an hour before I need to, reading my bible, getting dressed, eating breakfast, setting an alarm for 13 minutes before I need to leave for class, and crawling back into bed.
It makes all the early morning groggy feelings go away.
I still haven't used those coin laundry machines...
If my calculations are correct,
and I do, in fact, come home at least once a month,
I can last this entire year without using them.
It's a bit of a stretch, but I'm stubborn enough for it to happen.
Lactose-intolerance. Makes. My. Stomach. Hurt.
School work is getting a bit monotonous.
Sometimes I procrastinate... A lot.
Whenever I do, I freak out. And when it's all over, I just have to laugh at myself.
God has a sense of humor-- that's what I've learned in the past few weeks.
For example:
I waited until the day before to write an informative speech
about the effects of caffeine,
got three hours of sleep that night trying to finish it,
was completely tweaking on caffeine as I went to class to present,
aaaaand we ran out of time so I don't get to give it.
Yep.
Whenever it rains here, I am THE most prepared person on campus.
An umbrella + boots + a raincoat + a good attitude.
My umbrella is so gosh-darn pretty, everyone compliments me on it.
Thanks, Mom.
A pair of lovely friends have been plopped into my life.
They're not what I expected,
but they're just what I needed.
My Creator is so much wiser than I.
I bought this bag of candy corn that was on sale at Walmart.
I don't care for pretty much any sweets...
But I'm not gonna lie, candy corn is delicious.
And for some reason I thought it would last me for the entire month of October...
But it's definitely almost gone already.
I spend a lot of time reading.
But only half of that time is reading for classes.
I'm captivated by C.S. Lewis and Donald Miller and Jane Austen.
I can't leave them alone.
Suzanne and I go to the WRC to work out twice a week;
I usually bike so that I can keep reading.
"Exercising your mind and your body simultaneously!"
Our bathroom is very cold. It makes getting out of the shower unpleasant.
Brothers:
Do you have a giant box of legos?
Is your ball stuck in a tree?
Got a Nintendo 64?
How about a thick rope that's 100+ feet long?
Boom: countless hours of entertainment.
I have moments here when I think about how much and why I love you.
Luke-- on occasion, you use words like 'reputable' in text messages.
This makes my heart melt.
Matt-- we would make the BEST brother/sister Doo-wop duo EVER.
Don't you even try to deny it.
Reid-- I remember using Google on your computer once
and I happened to notice that the last thing you searched was "classy."
I can only assume a picture of you popped up.
Andrew-- you always try to solve my back problems
by giving me bone-crushing hugs...
It has yet to work, but I have faith for the future.
Last but not least, you all grow facial hair like grass.
These snazzy gentlemen have pinched, poked, sat on, tackled, made fun of,
and looked after me my entire life.
These tears? The ones I've got slipping down my nose right now?
They're mostly happy ones.
Fall is one of the best-smelling seasons.
The nails on my right hand are shiny, long and uniformly manicured.
The ones on my left (sans thumb) are very short and moderately janked up...
From playing the guitar.
It's always awkward when people I don't really know point it out.
Our bible study is nice. It's simple stuff,
but I feel like I learn more when I'm helping others understand things, anyway.
The leader wrote a comment to me the other day,
"You bring in some great insights (and cross references! I don't know how you do it!) that have really helped our study."
And I...
Well, I guess... I don't know 'how I do it' either?
I don't feel like I'm a particularly knowledgable biblical scholar or anything.
The only thing I can come up with
is that I was raised in an amazing church that preached the truth.
And for that I am extremely thankful.
I've started making paper cranes again.
Out of the pretty paper you two gave me for Christmas.
I love you.
One of the pieces of candy corn was super deformed....
And I haven't eaten it yet. It's just sitting on my desk.
I like it.
I miss my nieces so much it hurts.
I hear Ingrid is a thumb-sucker.
That girl knows what's up.
My dorm room is starting to feel like it's my own. It's colorful. It's cozy.
But I get swallowed up by the repetitive nature of my day-to-day life.
Some days I'm happy;
some days it feels like I'm suffocating.
Some days I laugh easily;
some days I'm ready to come home.
I'm fighting for joy,
but some days it's just hard.

I'll see you all in two days <3
((Can we have gyros?))

Once upon a Sunday morning...

The pastor drives home his point, loudly proclaiming, "JESUS IS OUR RIGHTEOUSNESS!"
And a little boy in the pew behind me, drawing in a coloring book with crayons, echoes in a voice louder than his mother would probably prefer, "Jesus is our righteousness!"
A moment of silence ensues, and there is a smile on my face as I glance backward, hearing the same small voice ask in a quieter tone, "Is that true?"
"Yes!" comes the whispered reply of the mother.
"Oh. Mom? ...What is right us mess?"
"We'll talk about it at home, Caleb."

I cried today.

Because I realized I'm that person James was talking about.
That guy who studies his own face in the mirror,
and then turns and walks away,
promptly forgetting what he looks like.
I hear the word, but I don't do the word.

"IT'S NOT ENOUGH TO CALL YOUR SELF A DISCIPLE OF JESUS."

I say all these things, but do I really have the will to put them into action?

Or am I just reciting these truths--

these beautiful, perfect, flawless truths--
these truths I've learned but never fully bought into?
Because I've never truly applied them to my life--
Not in their entirety, at least.

"HOW DID WE GET TO A PLACE IN CHRISTIANITY WHERE PEOPLE CALL THEMSELVES 'CHRISTIANS' BUT LOOK NOTHING LIKE JESUS?"

I cried because I fall short.
Again and again and again.
For this I hate myself sometimes.
At least I hate the parts of me that aren't reflecting Christ.
Which, at times, can be a rather pretty overwhelming proportion.
And so I beat up on myself.
I cried because when I listen to myself, I hear:
I'll never be good enough.
I'll never be satisfied with myself.
I'll never consider myself to be valuable.
And then I realize that my thinking is completely backwards.
And that in my self-loathing,
I'm defiling something that God created to be pure and beautiful and holy.
Not my actions, which are sinful-- that's not what I'm talking about.
I'm talking about me.
Because my sin has been washed away.
I'm talking about the reality that I'm justified in the eyes of my creator.
He looks at my filth and sees Jesus' blood:
and it is finished.

Yet I continue to treat myself like garbage,
somehow warping truth & thinking I need to be punished for the crappy stuff I've done--
for my continual failures and shortcomings.
Thinking that I need to suffer for my wrongs,
as though they require more payment...
As though Jesus' death was somehow insufficient.

I cried today because I couldn't bring myself to accept His grace.
Not that I don't think it's adequate:
I know it's more than enough.
The insufficiency I'm overwhelmed with is my own.
I don't feel like I'm worthy of anything,
let alone perfect love.
Today is one of those days that I just have to remind myself...
The point of grace is that I don't deserve it.
Because when I'm utterly incapable on my own, that's when God get's all the credit.
And my self-worth should reflect the fact that I'm a part of God's kindgom.
The point of everything is for God to receive the most glory.
And that isn't achieved by me punishing myself;
it's achieved by complete humility, gratitude, submission and praise.

2 Timothy 1:9-10

"[God] saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works but because of his own purpose and grace, which he gave us in Christ Jesus before the ages began, and which now has been manifested through the appearing of our Savior Christ Jesus, who abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel"

( I Wonder by Leeland )

I’m in awe at the majesty of who You are

Your love is a seal burnt inside my heart

All of the day I want to be where You are

Holy Father

And it feels like there’s not enough praise inside of me

With all these words, all my heart can sing is holy

You are holy 

Jesus Christ

You bled Your love, laid down Yourself

And gave me life

In naked shame You hung and You were lifted high

Here I lay in awe and wonder

And I am afraid

For no one’s ever sacrificed and loved me this way

So on my face I fall under Your heavy grace

Here I lay in awe and wonder

And I wonder