Once upon a Sunday morning...

The pastor drives home his point, loudly proclaiming, "JESUS IS OUR RIGHTEOUSNESS!"
And a little boy in the pew behind me, drawing in a coloring book with crayons, echoes in a voice louder than his mother would probably prefer, "Jesus is our righteousness!"
A moment of silence ensues, and there is a smile on my face as I glance backward, hearing the same small voice ask in a quieter tone, "Is that true?"
"Yes!" comes the whispered reply of the mother.
"Oh. Mom? ...What is right us mess?"
"We'll talk about it at home, Caleb."

I cried today.

Because I realized I'm that person James was talking about.
That guy who studies his own face in the mirror,
and then turns and walks away,
promptly forgetting what he looks like.
I hear the word, but I don't do the word.

"IT'S NOT ENOUGH TO CALL YOUR SELF A DISCIPLE OF JESUS."

I say all these things, but do I really have the will to put them into action?

Or am I just reciting these truths--

these beautiful, perfect, flawless truths--
these truths I've learned but never fully bought into?
Because I've never truly applied them to my life--
Not in their entirety, at least.

"HOW DID WE GET TO A PLACE IN CHRISTIANITY WHERE PEOPLE CALL THEMSELVES 'CHRISTIANS' BUT LOOK NOTHING LIKE JESUS?"

I cried because I fall short.
Again and again and again.
For this I hate myself sometimes.
At least I hate the parts of me that aren't reflecting Christ.
Which, at times, can be a rather pretty overwhelming proportion.
And so I beat up on myself.
I cried because when I listen to myself, I hear:
I'll never be good enough.
I'll never be satisfied with myself.
I'll never consider myself to be valuable.
And then I realize that my thinking is completely backwards.
And that in my self-loathing,
I'm defiling something that God created to be pure and beautiful and holy.
Not my actions, which are sinful-- that's not what I'm talking about.
I'm talking about me.
Because my sin has been washed away.
I'm talking about the reality that I'm justified in the eyes of my creator.
He looks at my filth and sees Jesus' blood:
and it is finished.

Yet I continue to treat myself like garbage,
somehow warping truth & thinking I need to be punished for the crappy stuff I've done--
for my continual failures and shortcomings.
Thinking that I need to suffer for my wrongs,
as though they require more payment...
As though Jesus' death was somehow insufficient.

I cried today because I couldn't bring myself to accept His grace.
Not that I don't think it's adequate:
I know it's more than enough.
The insufficiency I'm overwhelmed with is my own.
I don't feel like I'm worthy of anything,
let alone perfect love.
Today is one of those days that I just have to remind myself...
The point of grace is that I don't deserve it.
Because when I'm utterly incapable on my own, that's when God get's all the credit.
And my self-worth should reflect the fact that I'm a part of God's kindgom.
The point of everything is for God to receive the most glory.
And that isn't achieved by me punishing myself;
it's achieved by complete humility, gratitude, submission and praise.

2 Timothy 1:9-10

"[God] saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works but because of his own purpose and grace, which he gave us in Christ Jesus before the ages began, and which now has been manifested through the appearing of our Savior Christ Jesus, who abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel"

( I Wonder by Leeland )

I’m in awe at the majesty of who You are

Your love is a seal burnt inside my heart

All of the day I want to be where You are

Holy Father

And it feels like there’s not enough praise inside of me

With all these words, all my heart can sing is holy

You are holy 

Jesus Christ

You bled Your love, laid down Yourself

And gave me life

In naked shame You hung and You were lifted high

Here I lay in awe and wonder

And I am afraid

For no one’s ever sacrificed and loved me this way

So on my face I fall under Your heavy grace

Here I lay in awe and wonder

And I wonder

Jane Austen > George Bernard Shaw

My Fair Lady.

We watched it last night.

(The Audrey Hepburn one, I haven't seen the play)

I've been brooding ever since.

And I'm still moderately irked.

(As much as you can be after watching an Audrey Hepburn movie, anyway...)

Why?

Higgins.

Of course they end up together.

Silly old movies always give you what you expect in that regard.

(Except for Casablanca, of course, which is why it's so fantastic.)

But honestly?

He's the same egotistical, contemptuous, self-righteous

---I'm looking for a noun here that runs no risk of being offensive---

Brute?

He's the same at the end of the movie as he was at the beginning.

Why do I dislike it so much when characters are allowed to maintain the same level of elevated conceit throughout the duration of a story line? Perhaps I've been spoiled by Pride and Prejudice... I spent a year pouring over that text, analyzing the arrogance and eventual humility of both Darcy and Elizabeth. (Not of my own volition-- it was for a class. I like the book, but I'm not THAT crazy.) The nature of the story-- the reason it's endearing-- is that they both have to realize that their level of presupposed self-awesomeness isn't quite where they had previously thought; they have to get over themselves. They force one another to develop-- to grow and change and become better people. And to be honest, it's quite refreshing.


Iron sharpens iron. It's something meaningful. Something to strive after, you know what I mean?

We're at war.

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

(Romans 5:1-5)

Something I've been thinking about for the past few weeks, which has surfaced in conversations, books and scripture I've been reading, and songs and a few different sermons I've listened to: what is our attitude toward suffering? And what's our response? When we suffer, when stuff isn't going the way we'd like or the way we expected, we're called to have joy.

To REJOICE.

Easier said than done, I know. The world is tainted by sin so, sure, it sucks; but we can have confidence that there is a loving Father behind every aspect of our lives, including our suffering. And He does NOTHING without purpose.

That's something to be joyful about. And maybe not in the sense that you're always happy or always in a good mood, but in continually having contentment and peace in the understanding that the trials of this world cannot possibly overcome us if we are in Christ.

--John 16:33--
I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace.
In the world you will have tribulation.
But take heart; I have overcome the world.

God gives us grace sufficient for each day. That's the only reality with which we can have complete joy, too: Our faith is in God alone to get us from day to day. Our contentment is not circumstantial. When we set our hope on God-- when it's no longer about us, but instead about what He has done for us-- He works through our trials to achieve good. Good for us? Sometimes, sure. But not always. Sometimes we suffer merely so we can empathize and share Christ with others in their suffering. In the same way, when God gives us comfort, it's so that we can turn around and pour out comfort and love on others.

We need to get our eyes off ourselves and fix our eyes on Jesus.

And it's hard. It's going against our nature. Our selfish narcissism gets in the way. Our pride, our self-centeredness, our sin. It's a battle; all day, errrr day.  Fighting to tear our focus off the circumstantial storms that threaten to blow us off course. The crucial thing is, though, that they only have merit if you accredit it to them. So I'll reiterate:

What is our attitude?

"God does not mean for us to be passive. He means for us to fight the fight of faith--the fight for joy. And the central strategy is to preach the gospel to yourself. This is war. Satan is preaching for sure. If we remain passive, we surrender the field to him. You must go on to remind yourself of God; who God is, and what God has done, and what God has pledged 

Himself to do..."

1. Realize that authentic joy in God is a gift.
2. Realize that joy must be fought for relentlessly.
3. Resolve to attack all known sin in your life.
4. Learn the secret of gutsy guilt - how to fight like a justified sinner.
5. Realize that the battle is primarily a fight to see God for who he is.
6. Meditate on the Word of God day and night.
7. Pray earnestly and continually for open heart-eyes and an inclination for God.
8. Learn to preach to yourself rather than listen to yourself.
9. Spend time with God-saturated people who help you see God and fight the fight.
10. Be patient in the night of God's seeming absence.
11. Get the rest and exercise proper diet that your body was designed by God to have.
12. Make a proper use of God's revelation in nature.
13. Read great books about God and biographies of great saints.
14. Do the hard and loving thing for the sake of others (witness and mercy).
15. Get a global vision for the cause of Christ and pour yourself out for the unreached.
     (From 'When I Don't Desire God' by John Piper)

"I hear so many christians, murmuring about their imperfections, and their failures, and their addiction, and their shortcomings. And I see so little war! 'Murmur, murmur, murmur; why am I this way?' MAKE WAR!"

(Tedashii)
I make war

Cause sin never sleeps

It's got me in a trance

You can see it in my dreams

I make war

Man, I beat my flesh

To the death

Every breath

Like I beat my chest

I make war

Sun up

I make war

Sun down

I make war

Time in

I make war

Time out

I make war

Against lust
I make war

Against pride
I make war

Against me
I make war

Until I die