Once upon an August morning...

I was jerked awake at precisely 5:27 by a squirming knot in my stomach. Its cause was this dreadful realization: I had parked in a place where I could get a ticket... or possibly towed. Rushing outside with an impending sense of doom, waves of relief washed over me as I saw my fabulous, enormous, wood-paneled wagon still sitting in the lot (next to a tiny smart car, which gave me quite a laugh) completely ticket free.

Praise the Lord!

                          —Not even for sparing me a headache and inconvenience, really, but for this:
I was dragged out of bed in a frenzy, fully expecting the worst, only to step out the front door and literally have my breath taken away by one of the most glorious sunrises I've ever seen. Vivid magenta clouds illuminated the horizon, ribbons of crimson and gold reaching their spindly fingers up into the retreating darkness. And in that moment, I was struck by the overwhelming mercy of my Savior.

So I drove to Cup of Joe, got some chai, and sat on the river,
drinking in God's word and the splendor of His creation. 


                                                                   But this I call to mind,
                                                                          and therefore I have hope:
                                                                   The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
                                                                          his mercies never come to an end;
                                                                   they are new every morning;
                                                                          great is your faithfulness.
                                                                   “The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,
                                                                          “therefore I will hope in him.”

[Lamentations 3:21-24]

how Iowa is a picture of Truth

I had a dream one of the first nights of being in Jacksonville, and it went something like this:

Meandering up a country road, the wide horizon of a Midwestern landscape stretched out before me. Pale yellow gravel crunched beneath my feet as I stepped onward. Smooth hills rolled up to meet me, enormous waves of earth too lethargic to ever crash like the surf on Neptune Beach. As I walked, the world around me came into crisper focus; tall black-eyed susans gained prevalence among the wild, unkempt grasses growing in the ditches and I watched the dust around my feet, agitated by movement, stir up in purposefully chaotic wisps, carried away in the breeze. Glancing beyond a faded road sign standing askew, I became aware of a hazy light reaching over the crest of the rising ground ahead. I pressed on up the incline to the prize of gaining the summit; a broad, fruitful valley opened up beneath me, the patchwork quilt of farmland laying out as in a hammock under the sun. Details previously overlooked became obvious; the farms yielded alfalfa, beans, and corn, and I discovered deer tracks and a thin, twisted stream cutting through the Earth— nuances found only by those who walk this path with purpose. The road wound down into the valley, and I spotted it in the distance, a narrow golden thread stretching over the opposite brim, reaching on and on toward what I know only to be a beautiful Mystery.

Comprehension of the gospel, I'm beginning to think, is not a destination that I reach, but rather a road upon which I have walked, am walking, and will continue to walk into eternity. My inability to fully grasp the majesty of God's sovereignty and grace, then, is not an inconvenience, but a joy and a gift daily given; the longer I walk, the sweeter His revelation.

OSTRICHES: [the Reconciliation]

This post is the third of a three-part documentation of the journey my overly-analytical mind took while hitting the replay button on the song below. Please give it a listen in its entirety before diving in; I've written out the lyrics for your convenience. Click here for part one and click here for part two.

—   —   —

My False by Matt Corby

You see, I don't know where I'm running to

It's become quite hard to see

There's a guilty weight on my conscience

Of all my wrongful deeds

It's time to reconcile
It's time to reconcile

Oh, if I walk into the darkness I'll be lost
But if I try to stay, the light will show my false

I will keep my head in the sand, dear

Let the grains block out the sun

With shame as my companion

It will stay close til I'm done

It's time to reconcile
It's time to reconcile

Oh, if I walk into the darkness I'll be lost
But if I try to stay, the light will show my false

—   —   —

[the Reconciliation]
I met a guy named Donovan who talked about this constant, unfulfilled, dissatisfied, restless longing that every human carries with them every moment of every day.
He said, "If someone offered me eternal life, I'd say No thanks—
unless something is gonna be radically different."

I agree.
Cause if I pay attention, I don't see people thriving.
It seems like the ache of this song is echoed in the hearts of everyone around me.

And maybe you've noticed, too.
Maybe, as hard as you try,
a purposeful, beautiful, joyful life just doesn't seem to be in the cards.


Honestly? No. Of course I don't want eternal life—— IF ETERNAL LIFE IS LIKE this.
This life is miserable, painful, difficult, and hopeless.

We've all felt it.
But why?

—Cause we, as human beings, have a voracious appetite for pleasure and acceptance which we can never quench. These constant desires prevent us from ever being satisfied by anything in this world.

But I'm telling you, there is something AMAZINGLY, RADICALLY DIFFERENT for you.

I t ' s   t h e   G o s p e l .

AND THIS IS WHY IT'S SO AMAZING:

God doesn't shrug his shoulders at all the stuff that's wrong with this world and me in it
and decide he can tolerate all the shortcomings.
It's not about acceptance; it's about reconciliation.
He doesn't accept me 'as I am.'
He doesn't leave me to remain in this current state;
HE RADICALLY TRANSFORMS ME WITH HIS LOVE.

"The Gospel is better than unconditional love.

  The Gospel says, ‘God accepts you just as Christ is.

God has ‘contraconditional’ love for you.’ 

CHRIST BEARS THE BURDEN YOU DESERVE  

Christ is fully pleasing to the Father

and gives you His own perfect goodness.  

Christ reigns in power,
making you the Father’s child and coming close to you 

to begin to change what is unacceptable to God about you. 

God never accepts me ‘as I am.’ 

He accepts me ‘as I am in Jesus Christ.’

THE CENTER OF GRAVITY IS DIFFERENT

The true Gospel does not allow God’s love

to be sucked into the vortex of the soul’s lust

for acceptability and worth in and of itself."

 
[C.J. Mahaney]

Your guilt, lostness, and shame aren't yours to bear.

[it's time to reconcile]

†

OSTRICHES: [the Questioning]

This post is the second of a three-part documentation of the journey my overly-analytical mind took while hitting the replay button on the song below. Please give it a listen in its entirety before diving in; I've written out the lyrics for your convenience. Click here to read part one.

—   —   —

My False by Matt Corby

You see, I don't know where I'm running to

It's become quite hard to see

There's a guilty weight on my conscience

Of all my wrongful deeds

It's time to reconcile
It's time to reconcile

Oh, if I walk into the darkness, I'll be lost
But if I try to stay, the light will show my false

I will keep my head in the sand, dear

Let the grains block out the sun

With shame as my companion

It will stay close til I'm done

It's time to reconcile
It's time to reconcile

Oh, if I walk into the darkness, I'll be lost
But if I try to stay, the light will show my false


Oh, if I walk into the darkness, I'll be lost
But if I try to stay, the light will show my false

—   —   —

Songs are funny, cause the narrator might not necessarily be the guy who wrote it. But when I first heard the lyrics of this song, I immediately wished I could talk to the person whose sentiment they convey. There are so many things I'd want to ask... Questions that, if I'm being transparent, I would like to pose to most people I meet; there are some things that nobody spends time thinking about, and those tend to be the things that everyone should think about.

[the Questioning]

            —ask yourself—

Do you feel a lack of direction?

Why?

And why are you running when you don't know where you're going?

            —ask yourself—

Is guilt something you should just try to shake off?

Cause it's a tangible thing; You feel it. 

But do you think you should?

Is guilt something we deserve?

Why or why not?

And where does it come from?

            —ask yourself—

Are you more afraid of the stuff you do, or the idea that other people might find out?

What do you do with the shame you feel daily?

Is that something you just have to accept, or is the goal to try to ignore it?

Letting yourself be ignorant of your circumstances
—colloquially 'keeping your head in the sand'—
does that make it any better?

Do you think you deserve to feel better?

Why?

            —ask yourself—

What would make it better?

What is reconciliation?

To what or whom are you being reconciled?

How do you achieve it?

—   —   —

If I pay attention, I don't see people thriving.
It seems like the ache of this song is echoed in the hearts of everyone around me.

And maybe you've noticed, too.
Maybe, as hard as you try,
a purposeful, beautiful, joyful life just doesn't seem to be in the cards.
So here's my question:

Is this as good as it gets?

And if it isn't, why is everybody ignoring that fact—
—like ostriches with their heads in the sand?
It this isn't as good as it gets, then why is everybody pretending that it is?

Click here for part three

OSTRICHES: [the Myth]

This post is the first of a three-part documentation of the journey my overly-analytical mind took while hitting the replay button on the song below. Please give it a listen in its entirety before diving in; I've written out the lyrics for your convenience.

—   —   —

My False by Matt Corby

You see, I don't know where I'm running to

It's become quite hard to see

There's a guilty weight on my conscience

Of all my wrongful deeds

It's time to reconcile
It's time to reconcile

Oh, if I walk into the darkness, I'll be lost
But if I try to stay, the light will show my false

I will keep my head in the sand, dear

Let the grains block out the sun

With shame as my companion

It will stay close til I'm done

It's time to reconcile
It's time to reconcile

Oh, if I walk into the darkness, I'll be lost
But if I try to stay, the light will show my false


Oh, if I walk into the darkness, I'll be lost
But if I try to stay, the light will show my false

—   —   —

Songs are funny, cause the narrator might not necessarily be the guy who wrote it. But when I first heard the lyrics of this song, I immediately wished I could talk to the person whose sentiment they convey. Seems like a guy without much direction, doesn't it? But onward he rolls, despite the blindness, guilt, and shame that seem to be of a crippling nature.

But let's be real for a minute: if I were in a dark and unfamiliar room, I wouldn't be running. Would you? I'd be taking cautionary, investigative baby steps. I'd be doubled over, arms outstretched, checking that I'm not about to bash my shins on the corner of a metal coffee table or something heinous like that.

YET THIS WORLD IS FULL OF PEOPLE
MOVING AT 100 MILES PER HOUR
WHO WOULD READILY ADMINT

THAT THEY'VE GOT NO IDEA

WHERE THEY'RE GOING.

[the Myth]

Here's how it's done: pay thousands of dollars a year so you can sleep and drink your way through college to get that degree which will enable you to work nine to five at a job that doesn't engage your mind but pays enough that you can buy the best phone, clothes, tv, car, house, whatever, and, if you're lucky, retire to a condo in Florida. It's a wonderful life...

Silly, right? Satirical. Absurd.

Except that's what people do, isn't it?

That's the American Dream.

That's our society's definition of success—

—society just uses shinier words.

If I pay attention, I don't see people thriving.
It seems like the ache of this song is echoed in the hearts of everyone around me.

And maybe you've noticed, too.
Maybe, as hard as you try,
a purposeful, beautiful, joyful life just doesn't seem to be in the cards.
So here's my question:

Is this as good as it gets?

Ostriches don't really stick their heads in the sand, did you know?

It's just a myth.

Click here for part two and here for part three.

You will most likely find this to be at least a little bit offensive.

[but stick with me anyway]

I struggle with pride.

...That seems too nonchalant a statement. Let me try again:

Every single day, hundreds of thoughts that cross my mind are saturated in sinful pride. It was many years into my Christian faith before I actually labeled what I was doing as sin, and it was many years before I realized the extent of that sin in my life. Having repented and asked for forgiveness, I still struggle with pride daily. It's my vice— my own personal poison. I didn't choose it. It's a root that runs deep, but I know that by Christ's power I can overcome all temptation and sin in my heart, because I have been convicted about my sin by the Holy Spirit, and God has promised to conform me to Jesus' righteousness. 

There are a lot of people God placed in my life who could probably see with vastly more clarity than I just how deep in sin I was. But those people didn't inform me of how despicable my pride was. They didn't pass judgment on me; they recognized that this wasn't their job. Their job was to show me love, and that's exactly what happened. They heaped friendship and grace and encouragement into my life by the truck loads. My sanctification process took a long time to begin, and it's still not even close to completion, but you know what? That's been God's plan all along. It was only ever going to be accomplished in His perfect timing.

If those Christ-followers in my life had instead spent years trying to convince me of the sin in my life, making me feel dirty, worthless, and unholy— how effective do you think that would have been? If those people had spent our time together throwing scripture at me, outlining the flaws in my character and lifestyle— do you think I would have responded favorably? Even if I saw my pride for the despicable thing that it was, do you think their judgment would have spurred me toward actual, genuine repentance?

Highly unlikely.

"...do you not know that God's  K I N D N E S S  is meant to lead you to repentance?"

[Romans 2:4b]

— — —

Is everybody tracking with me? Are we all in agreement?

OKAY.

So, now I want you to go back and read that again— but any time the word 'pride' appears, I want you to read it as 'homosexuality' instead.

Seriously. Go back and read it again.

— — —

Did I lose any of you?

All of a sudden, there's an issue. Christians being homosexual? And not being immediately and openly rebuked? I can hear the objections being raised: "Christians have to hold one another accountable!" "We're called to lives of righteousness!" "We shouldn't allow our brothers and sisters in Christ to continue in sin!"

I fully agree.

Did you hear me?

I   f u l l y   a g r e e .

The church— NOT THE GOVERNMENT, BUT THE BODY OF CHRIST— must be accountable to one another, pushing each other towards righteousness and coming alongside one another in order to strive to follow Christ's commands.

Let's not make the mistake of thinking, however, that it's our job to change people.

That's the Holy Spirit's job.

Mankind has been historically unsuccessfully mandating morality. If there's one thing I've learned from studying the past, it is this: obedience in the hearts of men cannot be achieved through laws. When religious institutions or governments have tried, the people either openly oppose, disobey in secret, or adhere out of fear— never freely, genuinely, or willingly.

If you want our government to adopt God's law,

do you also want your salvation to come from how well you follow it? 

—because if we think we can moralize society through legal means,

we are removing Christ from Christianity.

Have we forgotten our first love? We, too, were lost in sin before Christ washed us clean. And yet every single believer— who has been born again and made new— still struggles with sin.

I am simultaneously disobedient and righteous.

At the same time a sinner and a saint.

Already and not yet.

This mystery cannot be fully understood by men, let alone accomplished through their efforts.

I'm pleading with you: never place morality above the scandalous grace which we have all found in Jesus Christ. It took me years of being a Christian to truly acknowledge my sin for what it is and begin actually desiring for it to be eradicated from my heart. This is a process of sanctification that all believers go through.

So why is it okay for you and me, but not okay for homosexuals?

We preach love and mercy and grace,

but where is its tangible manifestation?

Step back from this heated political debate for a moment and honestly ask yourself: Do I really believe that judgment and legalistic mandates of my religious beliefs will win anyone to Christ?

Isn't bringing people to the Kingdom our ultimate goal?

This world is broken.

My heart aches for the sinful condition of our culture.

It's riddled with pain, immorality, grief, violence, and hatred.

But let us never make the mistake of assuming that manmade institutions are the solution.

This world doesn't need moral laws;

THIS WORLD NEEDS JESUS.

The law brought death.

LIFE COMES THROUGH SACRIFICIAL LOVE.

I know it's hard to love people who don't seem to deserve it...

But, more often than not, those are the people who need it the most.

We've been recipients of completely undeserved forgiveness and grace.

We've had judgment entirely removed, though we did nothing to earn it.

We're daily given second, third, and four-hundred and ninety-eighth chances.

forgive as he forgave

comfort as he comforted

serve as he served

encourage as he encouraged

bless as he blessed

sacrifice as he sacrificed

withhold judgment as he withheld judgment

LOVE AS HE LOVED

"This is the practical, tangible working of the vision
that forces us to see, oppose, and cast out

not the people who oppose the gospel,

but the spiritual strongholds that possess them to do so.

You want to know how to bring people to Christ?

Identify the spiritual strongholds that stand between them and God,
and tear them down with pointed, intentional love.

Overwhelm the lies of the enemy in a person's life with such
a powerful, observable manifestation of God's love

 that they cannot help but see who they are
in God's eyes.

This is the love of the Father—
intentional love

 —and this is the only love that will beckon people to salvation."

[The Vision by Mattie Montgomery]

†

ALL CAPS

make things seem more important, wouldn't you say?

At the Castle in the Air

     "You must never feel badly about making mistakes," explained Reason quietly, "as long as you take the trouble to learn from them. For you often learn more by being wrong for the right reasons than you do by being right for the wrong reasons."
     "But there's so much to learn," Milo said, with a thoughtful frown.
     "Yes, that's true," admitted Rhyme, "but it's not just learning things that's important. It's learning what to do with what you learn and learning why you learn things at all that matters."

[The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster]

bleach + caramel

I was spending my Tuesday afternoon cleaning the sink in my dorm room, causing my hands to smell profusely of clorox. Naturally, after all my hard work, I sat down to enjoy a Dulce de Leche scratch cupcake. I took one bite and—

             BANG.

I'm eleven years old, sitting on a big, super-hot cement block next to the baby pool outside Ames High with Mary Schliesman. The sun is shining on my face, with the scent of pool water wafting through the humid air and a caramel apple pop stuck to my molars. 

____________________________________

Except it's -2 outside, I haven't seen Mary in 6 months, and I can't remember the last time I had a caramel apple pop. What is it about tastes and smells? I haven't thought about our summer escapades in years, yet the combination of bleach and caramel triggered the strongest flashback I've ever experienced. The human brain is such a mysterious, marvelous thing.

courtesy of xkcd.com

If it be true, I conclude something huge.

But in the end, God doesn't need a defense.

He is who He is.

Amen.

THAT kid.

I sat in the back row of an early-morning Humanities III class, trying to keep a low profile. Most of the 35 students looked as though this was the last place in the world they wanted to be.
     "Have any of you read Frankenstein?" our professor asked us expectantly. Myself and three others raised our hands.
     "Only four?" He blinked at us enthusiastically, allotting an awkward silence before gushing about modern day allusions to Mary Shelley's novel. He then held up a copy of the Communist Manifesto.
     "I bet even fewer have read this one... Anybody? Anybody?" I'm probably going to need more coffee to keep up with this guy, I thought to myself, raising my hand along with one other student. He grinned at us.
     "What high school did you go to?" he asked me. Thirty-five heads turned my way.
     "Ames," I replied quietly, trying to suppress any part of my personality that might resemble Hermione Granger.
     "Ah, yes. Well, a bigger high school would emphasize great literature..." Okay, he is putting unnecessary amounts of effort into making me sound like a pretentious snob. As he began to enlighten us on the cultural relevance and criticisms of Marxism, I hoped silently that the next book would be new to me. When he inquired about 1984, I may have grimaced before putting my hand in the air once again.
     "What did you think? Was it a happy book?" he asked, giving me uncomfortably extended eye contact.
     "Interesting, but not happy," I responded. He got a chuckle out of that, which annoyed me a little because I was trying my best to be humorless. A discussion with the rest of the class of utopian and dystopian societies followed and I thought I was out of the woods.
     "Now, I would guess that most of you have never even heard of this book. I'm the only Humanities professor that uses it... A Sand County Almanac!" He began to share with us the merits of this book, which Mr.Schuck, my 7th grade science teacher, read to us in its entirety. I gladly remained silent. As he didn't technically ask if we had read it— and I wouldn't technically say that I had— I was spared confirming everyone's suspicions that I am, in fact, THAT kid.

it's a bloody mess

"Well, today I found out that there are about 150 empty dorms on campus," my dad says.

I respond: "That seems like a lot... Do that many people just quit school?"

"It's a small percentage of 30,000."

"Wait," says my brother, "I actually thought the drop out rate was higher than that."

"It probably is, but not all of them live on campus."
"I know a kid who dropped out of college recently." I add, "Pretty sure he's in prison now... But hey, I guess there are a lot of different—"

My words catch in my throat.

The list of reasons people don't finish school doesn't need to be discussed tonight.

I drop my gaze from my brother
as the reminder of his friend's fatal car accident sears yet another hole in my heart.

There are so many now, it's amazing I still have a pulse;
That cardiac muscle of mine is beginning to resemble swiss cheese.

As my blood pressure drops, I try to scream.
It comes out hollow, weak and unconvincing, falling on deaf ears.

But I need them to understand.
I need them to realize that life can be cut short in the blink of an eye—
that their YOLO world view doesn't cut it—
that their lives are worth more than that—
worth more than they could ever know.

The blood of God has been spilt willingly on our account.
So what am I worth?
What are any of us worth?

"Worth, value, and beauty are not determined by some innate quality,
but by the length for which the owner would go to posses them.
And broken and ugly things like us are stamped excellent
with ink tapped in wells of divine veins—
a system of redemption that could only be described as perfect." 

[Propaganda]