Once upon an August morning...

I was jerked awake at precisely 5:27 by a squirming knot in my stomach. Its cause was this dreadful realization: I had parked in a place where I could get a ticket... or possibly towed. Rushing outside with an impending sense of doom, waves of relief washed over me as I saw my fabulous, enormous, wood-paneled wagon still sitting in the lot (next to a tiny smart car, which gave me quite a laugh) completely ticket free.

Praise the Lord!

                          —Not even for sparing me a headache and inconvenience, really, but for this:
I was dragged out of bed in a frenzy, fully expecting the worst, only to step out the front door and literally have my breath taken away by one of the most glorious sunrises I've ever seen. Vivid magenta clouds illuminated the horizon, ribbons of crimson and gold reaching their spindly fingers up into the retreating darkness. And in that moment, I was struck by the overwhelming mercy of my Savior.

So I drove to Cup of Joe, got some chai, and sat on the river,
drinking in God's word and the splendor of His creation. 


                                                                   But this I call to mind,
                                                                          and therefore I have hope:
                                                                   The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
                                                                          his mercies never come to an end;
                                                                   they are new every morning;
                                                                          great is your faithfulness.
                                                                   “The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,
                                                                          “therefore I will hope in him.”

[Lamentations 3:21-24]

You will most likely find this to be at least a little bit offensive.

[but stick with me anyway]

I struggle with pride.

...That seems too nonchalant a statement. Let me try again:

Every single day, hundreds of thoughts that cross my mind are saturated in sinful pride. It was many years into my Christian faith before I actually labeled what I was doing as sin, and it was many years before I realized the extent of that sin in my life. Having repented and asked for forgiveness, I still struggle with pride daily. It's my vice— my own personal poison. I didn't choose it. It's a root that runs deep, but I know that by Christ's power I can overcome all temptation and sin in my heart, because I have been convicted about my sin by the Holy Spirit, and God has promised to conform me to Jesus' righteousness. 

There are a lot of people God placed in my life who could probably see with vastly more clarity than I just how deep in sin I was. But those people didn't inform me of how despicable my pride was. They didn't pass judgment on me; they recognized that this wasn't their job. Their job was to show me love, and that's exactly what happened. They heaped friendship and grace and encouragement into my life by the truck loads. My sanctification process took a long time to begin, and it's still not even close to completion, but you know what? That's been God's plan all along. It was only ever going to be accomplished in His perfect timing.

If those Christ-followers in my life had instead spent years trying to convince me of the sin in my life, making me feel dirty, worthless, and unholy— how effective do you think that would have been? If those people had spent our time together throwing scripture at me, outlining the flaws in my character and lifestyle— do you think I would have responded favorably? Even if I saw my pride for the despicable thing that it was, do you think their judgment would have spurred me toward actual, genuine repentance?

Highly unlikely.

"...do you not know that God's  K I N D N E S S  is meant to lead you to repentance?"

[Romans 2:4b]

— — —

Is everybody tracking with me? Are we all in agreement?

OKAY.

So, now I want you to go back and read that again— but any time the word 'pride' appears, I want you to read it as 'homosexuality' instead.

Seriously. Go back and read it again.

— — —

Did I lose any of you?

All of a sudden, there's an issue. Christians being homosexual? And not being immediately and openly rebuked? I can hear the objections being raised: "Christians have to hold one another accountable!" "We're called to lives of righteousness!" "We shouldn't allow our brothers and sisters in Christ to continue in sin!"

I fully agree.

Did you hear me?

I   f u l l y   a g r e e .

The church— NOT THE GOVERNMENT, BUT THE BODY OF CHRIST— must be accountable to one another, pushing each other towards righteousness and coming alongside one another in order to strive to follow Christ's commands.

Let's not make the mistake of thinking, however, that it's our job to change people.

That's the Holy Spirit's job.

Mankind has been historically unsuccessfully mandating morality. If there's one thing I've learned from studying the past, it is this: obedience in the hearts of men cannot be achieved through laws. When religious institutions or governments have tried, the people either openly oppose, disobey in secret, or adhere out of fear— never freely, genuinely, or willingly.

If you want our government to adopt God's law,

do you also want your salvation to come from how well you follow it? 

—because if we think we can moralize society through legal means,

we are removing Christ from Christianity.

Have we forgotten our first love? We, too, were lost in sin before Christ washed us clean. And yet every single believer— who has been born again and made new— still struggles with sin.

I am simultaneously disobedient and righteous.

At the same time a sinner and a saint.

Already and not yet.

This mystery cannot be fully understood by men, let alone accomplished through their efforts.

I'm pleading with you: never place morality above the scandalous grace which we have all found in Jesus Christ. It took me years of being a Christian to truly acknowledge my sin for what it is and begin actually desiring for it to be eradicated from my heart. This is a process of sanctification that all believers go through.

So why is it okay for you and me, but not okay for homosexuals?

We preach love and mercy and grace,

but where is its tangible manifestation?

Step back from this heated political debate for a moment and honestly ask yourself: Do I really believe that judgment and legalistic mandates of my religious beliefs will win anyone to Christ?

Isn't bringing people to the Kingdom our ultimate goal?

This world is broken.

My heart aches for the sinful condition of our culture.

It's riddled with pain, immorality, grief, violence, and hatred.

But let us never make the mistake of assuming that manmade institutions are the solution.

This world doesn't need moral laws;

THIS WORLD NEEDS JESUS.

The law brought death.

LIFE COMES THROUGH SACRIFICIAL LOVE.

I know it's hard to love people who don't seem to deserve it...

But, more often than not, those are the people who need it the most.

We've been recipients of completely undeserved forgiveness and grace.

We've had judgment entirely removed, though we did nothing to earn it.

We're daily given second, third, and four-hundred and ninety-eighth chances.

forgive as he forgave

comfort as he comforted

serve as he served

encourage as he encouraged

bless as he blessed

sacrifice as he sacrificed

withhold judgment as he withheld judgment

LOVE AS HE LOVED

"This is the practical, tangible working of the vision
that forces us to see, oppose, and cast out

not the people who oppose the gospel,

but the spiritual strongholds that possess them to do so.

You want to know how to bring people to Christ?

Identify the spiritual strongholds that stand between them and God,
and tear them down with pointed, intentional love.

Overwhelm the lies of the enemy in a person's life with such
a powerful, observable manifestation of God's love

 that they cannot help but see who they are
in God's eyes.

This is the love of the Father—
intentional love

 —and this is the only love that will beckon people to salvation."

[The Vision by Mattie Montgomery]

†

It's better than perfume.

Jesus came to the tomb. It was a cave, and a stone lay against it. Jesus said, "Take away the stone." Martha, the sister of the dead man, said to him, "Lord, by this time there will be an odor, for he has been dead four days." Jesus said to her, "Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?" So they took away the stone. And Jesus liften up his eyes and said, "Father, I thank you that you have heard me. I knew that you always hear me, but I said this on account of the people standing around, that they may believe that you sent me." When he said these things, he cried out with a loud voice, "Lazarus, come out." The man who had died came out, his hands and feet bound with linen strips, and his face wrapped with a cloth. Jesus said to them, "Unbind him and let him go."

[John 11:38-44]

As I view God as the Author of the universe, I like to think he is the ultimate expert at literary devices. I have to admit that I'm a bit of a nerd; I geeked out when I got to this passage in John. The foreshadowing, the metaphors... It's all so exciting! Partially because it's great literature, and partially because its implications affect the lives of everyone who has ever lived.

Right now I wanna hop out of this specific event in order to look at the broader implications, because I believe that this story isn't just about Jesus raising a man from the dead—which is awe-inspiring and incredible on it's own. I believe it's also a pre-game show for Christ's own death and resurrection— GET READY, PEOPLE: IT'S GONNA BE BIG— in addition to a picture of what it looks like when He rescues us from our sinful state of spiritual death. 

I've got 5 bits of goodness. Ready?

"Lord, by this time there will be an odor,
for he has been dead four days."

You know, sometimes I think that God made decomposing things smell so revolting to us as a kind of metaphor in order that we might understand how despicable sin is in His eyes. Now, the only thing I remember learning about math throughout my high school education was this: if A=B and B=C, then A=C. In other words, if people are sinful and sin is death, then people are dead in their sin. Yet Jesus descended from eternal bliss into this sin-infested mire without blinking. He doesn't care about the hopeless, disgusting state of people when we're dead— no matter how revolting it is to him. The living people around him are like, are you sure you wanna go there? It's gross. Have you ever smelled something that's dead? Naaaaasssstyy.

BIT NUMBER ONE: Christ forges on into our filth anyway;

he cares about us that much.

__________________________________

"Did I not tell you that if you believed
you would see the glory of God?"

Not if you do well enough in school. Not if enough people say you're a nice person. Not if you're successful enough at work. Not if you're a good enough friend, neighbor, child, sibling, or parent. Not even if you're a good enough Christian. 

BIT NUMBER TWO: The prerequisite for seeing God's glory

is NOTHING MORE than believing.

__________________________________

"Father, I thank you that you have heard me. I knew that you always hear me, but I said this on account of the people standing around, that they may believe that you sent me."

Jesus is constantly chatting with the Father; I'm pretty convinced they have that whole telepathy thing going on... But I think the moments when Jesus decides to communicate with Him verbally are the sweetest, because we know that he's only doing it so that we can hear. 

R.A. Torrey said,

"The chief purpose of prayer is that God may be glorified in the answer."

Isn't that beautiful? I mean, it's not like God is unaware of your needs until you tell Him about them. "Oh, good heavens— I didn't see you down there!" But when we ask God for things— and get them— we know that they came from God and can thank Him for them and give Him the praise and honor He deserves. Check out Jesus' prayer. He's thanking God and bearing witness that the miracle he's about to perform came solely from Him. What a classy fella.

BIT NUMBER THREE: Every miracle is done so the people who see it will know

it came from God.

__________________________________

"Lazarus, come out."

What a boss! This one is short and sweet. 

BIT NUMBER FOUR: The nature of the universe, the laws of physics, life and death...

Jesus has authority over everything.

__________________________________

"Unbind him and let him go."

This, at first glance, seems like the least important bit of dialogue in the entire passage. Like, kay... Obviously we don't want Lazarus to be mummified now that he's up and at it. But hear me out for a second:

The strips of linen used to wrap corpses were soaked in oil, spices, and perfumes; this was a Jewish custom with no other purpose than to keep the body from stinking so much. The stench of death was disgusting to them... Sound familiar? Except, instead of trying to cover up the smell of death, Jesus reverses death. He makes perfume obsolete. Do you understand the implications of that? The first time I read it, I didn't.

In our sinful state, we do stuff to try to make us seem less filthy. We try to train ourselves to be kind, generous, and thoughtful. We toil after perfection and try to be "good people" in order to cover up the stench of our rotting, sinful souls. With half-hearted attempts, we wrap our crappiness up in failed imitations of good deeds, always tainted with selfishness and pride. Just like spraying perfume on a rotting corpse, we know we're fighting a losing battle.

But Christ says, "unbind him and let him go." He doesn't bring extra-strength deodorant to the table; he wipes the slate clean, starting over from scratch. Christ makes us new creations. We don't have to constantly cover up our shameful sin, because HE HAS SET US FREE.

BIT NUMBER FIVE: We no longer have to strive after our own righteousness, because

Christ's is sufficient.

[Hebrews 10:14]

For by a single offering, Christ has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified.

†

I NEED YOU TO HEAR THIS

Because I need to hear it every single day.

   —   —   —   —   —   —   —   —   —   —   —   —   —   —   —   —

"Do you know Jesus?" the woman asked me.

"Yes, I do."

"Do you sin?"

"Yeah. Every day... Probably more than I realize."

"THEN YOU'RE A CHILD OF THE DEVIL AND YOU DON'T KNOW JESUS."

Well.

If you are anything like me—and I know I am—

then there are two things you should know about this woman.

The first thing
                is that she is affiliated with a man who calls himself Brother Jed.

"I don't know how the whorehouses in this town stay open—

all of you sorority girls are giving it away for free!"

His voice echoed through the courtyard in front of Maucker Union, met with mocking laughter and jeers, declaring that feminists, liberals, homosexuals, alcoholics, fornicators, and those who smoke weed and/or listen to rock and roll are destined for Hell.

I'll concede to three points:
        1. His message was a call to repentance.
        2. His words were full of hatred, judgment, bigotry, and condemnation.
        3. His delivery was classless, tactless, graceless, and, most importantly, Christ-less.

The second thing
                         is that she believes her own lie.

On Monday afternoon, this warped view of the gospel manifested itself in condemnations shouted at each passing college student:

"You are all going to hell!"

"You are living sinful, wicked lifestyles!"

"You have to stop sinning in order to be with God!"

And I'm standing there, like:

"That's not necessarily true..."

"That's a pretty bold generalization..."

"That's... wait—

—what?"

LISTEN UP:
        If you are someone who thinks you have to get your shenanigans together before God wants anything to do with you, you need to ask yourself two very important questions:


FIRST:
              WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
                                [that you could ever get your shenanigans together on your own]

SECOND:
              WHO DO YOU THINK GOD IS?
                                [that He couldn't handle your shenanigans at its worst]

I want you to think about something for a moment;

I want you to think about how wonderful it would be if there were not hateful, judgmental, hypocritical words being spoken every day by people who claim to follow Jesus Christ.

And I want you to think about precisely how you would feel if every church worldwide was calling out to you in a loud, resounding voice, saying,

"COME AS YOU ARE."

I mean, COME ON.

We are CHRISTIANS.

Followers of that man called JESUS.

AND THIS IS HOW HE DID CHURCH:

                Jesus was chilling in his house, hanging out with thugs and mafia members and prostitutes. And some really arrogant religious guys were like, "What the what? Why is he eating supper with all those sketchy people?" And Jesus was like, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

[Mark 2:15-17, almost entirely paraphrased. Except for that part where Jesus talks... that part is legit.]

Okay, listen...

Listen.
LISTEN.
LISTEN TO ME:
THIS IS THE GOOD NEWS!

AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE, 
BUT I KNOW YOU NEED TO HEAR THIS.

I KNOW YOU NEED TO HEAR IT BECAUSE ALL OF US NEED TO.

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO YOU ARE, WHERE YOU'VE BEEN, OR WHAT YOU'VE DONE—
THIS IS FOR YOU.

T H I S   I S   T H E   G O O D   N E W S :

*

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,

and are justified by his grace as a gift,  through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.

[Romans 3:23-24]

*

For the wages of sin is death,

but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

[Romans 6:23]

*

God shows his love for us in that

while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

[Romans 5:8]

*

For by grace you have been saved through faith.

And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God.

[Ephesians 2:8]

*

If it is by grace, it is no longer on the basis of works;

otherwise grace would no longer be grace.

[Romans 11:6]

*

If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord

and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead,

you will be saved.

[Romans 10:9]

*

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus

from the law of sin and death.

[Romans 8:1-2]

*

Chicken Sandwiches and Whitewashed Tombs.

I have seen exactly one episode of Glee in my life, and all I can remember is each person receiving a t-shirt with their major insecurity written on it in large, bold letters. T-shirts reading, "FOUR-EYES" or "GINGER" or "CAN'T DANCE", and then there was some sort of happy message about how we should all own our flaws because they make us beautiful.

Put on your stretchy thinking caps, everyone:
A fast food chain recently threw two groups of people into the spotlight— homosexuals and Christians— sparking a hateful, viral battle of opinions. And I gotta be honest, all I see are t-shirts donning either "GAY" or "CHICK-FIL-A".

Gadzooks, it's Glee in real life!
                      [Allow me, for a moment, to explain myself.]

Homosexuality is a lifestyle sin.
It forces gays to wear their sin like t-shirts for the world to see.
And, hey, this is also often true for prostitutes, thieves, and murderers.
Theirs is a brokenness that shows on the outside.
Like a t-shirt. Get it?

Here's where it all falls down:

In my interactions with people whose sin is evident to me, I work very hard to show love and kindness and grace. I strive to withhold judgement and look past imperfections.

Every once and a while, despite my efforts to act impartially, I catch myself harboring arrogance that makes me feel sick to my stomach; I realize that even if I don't act like it, I'm positively filled with pride.

When I read through the records of Jesus's life, it becomes very apparent to me that the sin for which he had the greatest distaste was pridefulness. Jesus ate dinner with sinners. He spent time with them and showed them real love. It was the Pharisees— those who thought they knew everything and followed all the rules— whom Jesus would not tollerate.

Does it strike anybody else as cruelly unfair that, because of the different natures of our sins, I'm allowed to hide mine while others must parade theirs around on display, open to public ridicule? I let people see the 'good' things that I do and coast by on the assumption that no one can see my sin because it's internal. Who do I think I am?

—1 Samuel 16:7—

"For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”

My t-shirt is pearly white.
Which is great, except that it's covering up my rotting flesh.
So who do I think I am? In hindsight, I think I'm a moron.

— — — — —— — — — — — —

I saw a post on twitter a while back that said,

I LOVE GAY PEOPLE. Or as I sometimes like to call them, "people"

And I don't know if that makes you laugh or shocks you, causes you to smile or to promptly close this window...... But I think that's beautiful.

Every person who has ever lived

—apart from one—

has lived with sin that had the power to destroy their soul.

And the One who lived without sin?

He became sin for us
—all of us—
that we might be free from it.

FREE.

"Because Jesus was strong for me, I was free to be weak;
Because Jesus won for me, I was free to lose;
Because Jesus was Someone, I was free to be no one;
Because Jesus was extraordinary, I was free to be ordinary;
Because Jesus succeeded for me, I was free to fail."
(-Tullian Tchividjian)

And I love this freedom.
I love not being condemned for my sin.
I love that I am free from failure because of what Christ did for me.

If I'm so in raptures at this freedom, shouldn't I extend the same freedom to absolutely everyone I encounter?
Uh, YES.
This starts with openness regarding my own sin, and real love in spite of theirs.

I'm not owning my flaws because they make me beautiful;

I'm owning my flaws because they show that He truly is.

†

GIRLS SO STUPID.

I like feeling pretty and cherished; I think this can be said of every girl. There's something about knowing that you are valued by others that gives you self-worth and confidence. Girls thrive off of this— myself included. To a certain extent there's nothing wrong with that. It's when we can't find any sense of self-worth without getting that positive attention, and when we become slaves to the admiration of others, and when our desire to feel 'loved' creates a stumbling block for others, that it becomes a problem.

Every girl knows that getting attention from most guys is as easy as wearing a low-cut shirt or short shorts. It's hard for a guy to ignore a pretty girl who is showing a little too much skin; that's just the way guys are—that's the way their minds work. If you haven't yet come to this realization, you are:

     a) definitely not a boy

            and

     b) inexcusably oblivious

Let's clear something up: I'm not here to bash guys in any way; they get enough grief. Men are called perverted and disgusting, constantly ridiculed for their apparent inability to keep their minds out of the proverbial gutter. Meanwhile, women dress with less and less modesty— making it nearly impossible for any men who actually desire to keep their thoughts away from sex to do so.

I'm not saying the blame should be entirely placed on women; there are certainly men in the world who are perverted pigs who disregard women and treat them as objects to satisfy their sexual desires. This is a reality. But there are two sides to every story, and I'm coming out of the woodworking to tell you the one less favored.

STORY TIME:
Last night I walked down a commonly-used staircase in my dorm that leads to both the laundry room and the mailboxes for every resident in the building. I live in a coed dorm. Before I made it to my box, my attention was arrested by a bulletin board loudly proclaiming, "Love your breasts!" There were random facts that I don't feel the need to repeat— mostly along the lines of body image and unrealistic standards created by the media, etc. And, don't get me wrong, I'm all for women being comfortable with their bodies and loving the way God made them. What appalled me was not the informative text provided, but rather the 10+ pictures of women in lingerie posted all over the board. I stood there for a substantial amount of time with my mouth hanging open, fuming. In a moment of disgust I paused to cross-check my fury against logic and principle, and after a quick glance down the hall I swiftly ripped off every one of the pictures. I threw them in the recycling bin. I left the facts on the board, unscathed.

It's not enough that the sunshine comes out, bringing with it short skirts and unnecessary amounts of skin... But women have actually felt the need, in the midst of pretending to fight unrealistic standards, to completely objectify women. Parading pictures of half-naked women infront of every guy that wants to do laundry or check his mail this month in the name of promoting good self-image? And yet we get angry with men when they stare at us. Not to mention that all this is occurring while women everywhere are crying out about the injustice of double standards.

I'm furious.

—————————

I started this post a week ago and I had to let it cool off before returning to it. There are many things I'd like to say, but instead I'm going to let God's word speak for itself, as it is far more capable than I:

Romans 6:12 "All things are lawful for me," but not all things are helpful. "All things are lawful for me," but I will not be enslaved by anything.

Romans 8:9, 11 Take care that this right of yours does not somehow become a stumbling block to the weak... by your knowledge this weak person is destroyed, the brother for whom Christ died. Thus, sinning against your brothers and wounding their conscience when it is weak, you sin against Christ.

Galatians 5:13-25 For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." But if you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another. But I say, walk by the spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we love by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit.

1 Peter 3:3-4 Do not let your adorning be external— the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

Galatians 1:10 For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. 

—————————

To the Christ-following men who may be reading this: I commend you for the daily battle you have with lust, and I sincerely apologize for my gender's complete lack of sympathy for your struggles. It is truly inexcusable. I pray that you, my brothers in Christ, would rely on God's grace and strength to pursue holiness and live a life pleasing to He who saved us from the punishment we all deserve.

To the Christ-following women who may be reading this: I challenge you to look at the choices of your daily life— your words, your behavior, and the clothes you wear— as opportunities to uplift the body of Christ and glorify God. 

What is the deal?

The more I read the Word,
the more I realize how filthy and pathetic I am.
The more I see of my own shortcomings,
the more I want to follow the example of Christ.
The more I learn about Jesus,
the more undeserving I feel.
The more I realize my own unworthiness,
the more I understand how overwhelmingly loved I am.
And the more I see God's perfect, selfless love,
the more I want to read His Word.

WHAT is the DEAL?!

What is it about Christ that draws me irresistibly to him?
Despite having light shed on my filthiness, shortcomings, and unworthiness...
I can't stay away.

I know do bad things and I know I'm not a good person.
Anyone who thinks they're a good person is lying to themselves...
But then there's this guy who was actually perfect,
and he chose to go and get himself crucified.
And then he said that it was for me;
for the stuff I've done.
And that what he did washes all that crap away.

And if I could, in my selfishness,
I think I'd prefer to take that 'get outta Hell free card'
and leave this crazy radical to his ethereal schemes,
continuing to live my life the way I want to.

But something about him just doesn't let me do that.
Something about his bleeding, broken body
calls me back to the foot of the cross
to gaze at his horrific suffering and death,
and just...
 

Worship.
Cry out.
Be humbled.
Mourn over my sin.
Give up control of my live.
Repent and turn from my disgusting monstrosities.
Learn and grow in my understanding of the Creator of the universe.
And fight against my evil nature until the day I'm called home.

His irresistible, selfless, undeserved love draws me in,
making me hate myself,
while giving me the ability,
the strength,
the conviction,
and the desire
to change who I am,
soli deo gloria.

Submit yourselves therefore to God.

Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.

Cleanse your hands, you sinners,

and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 

Be wretched and mourn and weep. 

Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. 

Humble yourselves before the Lord, 

and he will exalt you. 

James 4:7 

†

I cried today.

Because I realized I'm that person James was talking about.
That guy who studies his own face in the mirror,
and then turns and walks away,
promptly forgetting what he looks like.
I hear the word, but I don't do the word.

"IT'S NOT ENOUGH TO CALL YOUR SELF A DISCIPLE OF JESUS."

I say all these things, but do I really have the will to put them into action?

Or am I just reciting these truths--

these beautiful, perfect, flawless truths--
these truths I've learned but never fully bought into?
Because I've never truly applied them to my life--
Not in their entirety, at least.

"HOW DID WE GET TO A PLACE IN CHRISTIANITY WHERE PEOPLE CALL THEMSELVES 'CHRISTIANS' BUT LOOK NOTHING LIKE JESUS?"

I cried because I fall short.
Again and again and again.
For this I hate myself sometimes.
At least I hate the parts of me that aren't reflecting Christ.
Which, at times, can be a rather pretty overwhelming proportion.
And so I beat up on myself.
I cried because when I listen to myself, I hear:
I'll never be good enough.
I'll never be satisfied with myself.
I'll never consider myself to be valuable.
And then I realize that my thinking is completely backwards.
And that in my self-loathing,
I'm defiling something that God created to be pure and beautiful and holy.
Not my actions, which are sinful-- that's not what I'm talking about.
I'm talking about me.
Because my sin has been washed away.
I'm talking about the reality that I'm justified in the eyes of my creator.
He looks at my filth and sees Jesus' blood:
and it is finished.

Yet I continue to treat myself like garbage,
somehow warping truth & thinking I need to be punished for the crappy stuff I've done--
for my continual failures and shortcomings.
Thinking that I need to suffer for my wrongs,
as though they require more payment...
As though Jesus' death was somehow insufficient.

I cried today because I couldn't bring myself to accept His grace.
Not that I don't think it's adequate:
I know it's more than enough.
The insufficiency I'm overwhelmed with is my own.
I don't feel like I'm worthy of anything,
let alone perfect love.
Today is one of those days that I just have to remind myself...
The point of grace is that I don't deserve it.
Because when I'm utterly incapable on my own, that's when God get's all the credit.
And my self-worth should reflect the fact that I'm a part of God's kindgom.
The point of everything is for God to receive the most glory.
And that isn't achieved by me punishing myself;
it's achieved by complete humility, gratitude, submission and praise.

2 Timothy 1:9-10

"[God] saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works but because of his own purpose and grace, which he gave us in Christ Jesus before the ages began, and which now has been manifested through the appearing of our Savior Christ Jesus, who abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel"

( I Wonder by Leeland )

I’m in awe at the majesty of who You are

Your love is a seal burnt inside my heart

All of the day I want to be where You are

Holy Father

And it feels like there’s not enough praise inside of me

With all these words, all my heart can sing is holy

You are holy 

Jesus Christ

You bled Your love, laid down Yourself

And gave me life

In naked shame You hung and You were lifted high

Here I lay in awe and wonder

And I am afraid

For no one’s ever sacrificed and loved me this way

So on my face I fall under Your heavy grace

Here I lay in awe and wonder

And I wonder

We're at war.

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

(Romans 5:1-5)

Something I've been thinking about for the past few weeks, which has surfaced in conversations, books and scripture I've been reading, and songs and a few different sermons I've listened to: what is our attitude toward suffering? And what's our response? When we suffer, when stuff isn't going the way we'd like or the way we expected, we're called to have joy.

To REJOICE.

Easier said than done, I know. The world is tainted by sin so, sure, it sucks; but we can have confidence that there is a loving Father behind every aspect of our lives, including our suffering. And He does NOTHING without purpose.

That's something to be joyful about. And maybe not in the sense that you're always happy or always in a good mood, but in continually having contentment and peace in the understanding that the trials of this world cannot possibly overcome us if we are in Christ.

--John 16:33--
I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace.
In the world you will have tribulation.
But take heart; I have overcome the world.

God gives us grace sufficient for each day. That's the only reality with which we can have complete joy, too: Our faith is in God alone to get us from day to day. Our contentment is not circumstantial. When we set our hope on God-- when it's no longer about us, but instead about what He has done for us-- He works through our trials to achieve good. Good for us? Sometimes, sure. But not always. Sometimes we suffer merely so we can empathize and share Christ with others in their suffering. In the same way, when God gives us comfort, it's so that we can turn around and pour out comfort and love on others.

We need to get our eyes off ourselves and fix our eyes on Jesus.

And it's hard. It's going against our nature. Our selfish narcissism gets in the way. Our pride, our self-centeredness, our sin. It's a battle; all day, errrr day.  Fighting to tear our focus off the circumstantial storms that threaten to blow us off course. The crucial thing is, though, that they only have merit if you accredit it to them. So I'll reiterate:

What is our attitude?

"God does not mean for us to be passive. He means for us to fight the fight of faith--the fight for joy. And the central strategy is to preach the gospel to yourself. This is war. Satan is preaching for sure. If we remain passive, we surrender the field to him. You must go on to remind yourself of God; who God is, and what God has done, and what God has pledged 

Himself to do..."

1. Realize that authentic joy in God is a gift.
2. Realize that joy must be fought for relentlessly.
3. Resolve to attack all known sin in your life.
4. Learn the secret of gutsy guilt - how to fight like a justified sinner.
5. Realize that the battle is primarily a fight to see God for who he is.
6. Meditate on the Word of God day and night.
7. Pray earnestly and continually for open heart-eyes and an inclination for God.
8. Learn to preach to yourself rather than listen to yourself.
9. Spend time with God-saturated people who help you see God and fight the fight.
10. Be patient in the night of God's seeming absence.
11. Get the rest and exercise proper diet that your body was designed by God to have.
12. Make a proper use of God's revelation in nature.
13. Read great books about God and biographies of great saints.
14. Do the hard and loving thing for the sake of others (witness and mercy).
15. Get a global vision for the cause of Christ and pour yourself out for the unreached.
     (From 'When I Don't Desire God' by John Piper)

"I hear so many christians, murmuring about their imperfections, and their failures, and their addiction, and their shortcomings. And I see so little war! 'Murmur, murmur, murmur; why am I this way?' MAKE WAR!"

(Tedashii)
I make war

Cause sin never sleeps

It's got me in a trance

You can see it in my dreams

I make war

Man, I beat my flesh

To the death

Every breath

Like I beat my chest

I make war

Sun up

I make war

Sun down

I make war

Time in

I make war

Time out

I make war

Against lust
I make war

Against pride
I make war

Against me
I make war

Until I die