Sometimes I get scared by the things that scare me.
The full potential of that sentence to convey what I'm trying to get across could very easily be lost in the illogicality of the English language.
Let's try again:
I get freaked out when I take a closer look at the types of things that worry me.
Did you get it that time?
There are silly things and there are not so silly things. For example: I worry about the degradation of my cooking abilities via college enabling me to neglect practice. (Thanks, dining hall...) With that one I'm like, "Aiiiiiight: WHY am I actually worrying about this? What's wrong with me? I feel like cooking is more of a riding-a-bike thing than a using-the-quadratic-formula thing. You don't ever have to re-learn it, it just kind of sticks with you."
But then... I worry about being utterly miserable at college because I'm away from my nieces... My family, my friends, those I love and cherish and don't want to replace... And on this I muse, "There's merit here: this is scratching the surface of a potentially huge problem. If I can't handle being away from these people for a few months at a time, what happens when I study abroad? Student teach in France? Get a job in a town hours away? Marry someone from a different state? I thrive on closeness. I'm passionate about my relationships. Am I setting myself up for a depressed life of pining after those I can't hug every morning and sip tea next to while racing to finish the day's crossword?"
I freak myself out, going on these tangents that carry me off until I have sneaky tears sliding down my face, mourning the idea that my nieces will forget me; that I'm not a sufficient friend, sister, daughter; that I'm incapable of helping others; that I'm too silly or too stupid or too selfish; that I'm not appropriately stewarding God's gifts; that I don't know where the heck I'm going in life and, thus, am wasting the time I've been given, floating around aimlessly without direction or purpose---
But, alas. I'm reminded that none of it is true.
And that worry is a synonym for not trusting God's plan.
And I'm beating this dead, rotting horse more than I can believe, but allow me to say it once more-- because in my insecure, doubtful state I need to be reminded so often: God does have a plan. And I am safest in His hands. He has purpose and direction for my life that is better than anything I could ever dream up. And when I'm feeling insufficient or worried or anxious and don't trust Him, He will gently guide me back into His loving arms and show me that He is all I need.
Matthew 6:
Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also... Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
The prayer of a dear friend from this summer:
"Grace... I pray you have spent time in intimacy with God today. I pray you dwell in God's house; that you do not simply visit. Do not be distracted. Be genuine, be present, & acknowledge the temporal quality of your worries. Rest in the continued presence of God. I pray you live intentionally, each moment, for God's glory. Trust that He will be faithful, even if you are unfaithful to Him, for that is His nature... Amen"
