OSTRICHES: [the Reconciliation]

This post is the third of a three-part documentation of the journey my overly-analytical mind took while hitting the replay button on the song below. Please give it a listen in its entirety before diving in; I've written out the lyrics for your convenience. Click here for part one and click here for part two.

—   —   —

My False by Matt Corby

You see, I don't know where I'm running to

It's become quite hard to see

There's a guilty weight on my conscience

Of all my wrongful deeds

It's time to reconcile
It's time to reconcile

Oh, if I walk into the darkness I'll be lost
But if I try to stay, the light will show my false

I will keep my head in the sand, dear

Let the grains block out the sun

With shame as my companion

It will stay close til I'm done

It's time to reconcile
It's time to reconcile

Oh, if I walk into the darkness I'll be lost
But if I try to stay, the light will show my false

—   —   —

[the Reconciliation]
I met a guy named Donovan who talked about this constant, unfulfilled, dissatisfied, restless longing that every human carries with them every moment of every day.
He said, "If someone offered me eternal life, I'd say No thanks—
unless something is gonna be radically different."

I agree.
Cause if I pay attention, I don't see people thriving.
It seems like the ache of this song is echoed in the hearts of everyone around me.

And maybe you've noticed, too.
Maybe, as hard as you try,
a purposeful, beautiful, joyful life just doesn't seem to be in the cards.


Honestly? No. Of course I don't want eternal life—— IF ETERNAL LIFE IS LIKE this.
This life is miserable, painful, difficult, and hopeless.

We've all felt it.
But why?

—Cause we, as human beings, have a voracious appetite for pleasure and acceptance which we can never quench. These constant desires prevent us from ever being satisfied by anything in this world.

But I'm telling you, there is something AMAZINGLY, RADICALLY DIFFERENT for you.

I t ' s   t h e   G o s p e l .

AND THIS IS WHY IT'S SO AMAZING:

God doesn't shrug his shoulders at all the stuff that's wrong with this world and me in it
and decide he can tolerate all the shortcomings.
It's not about acceptance; it's about reconciliation.
He doesn't accept me 'as I am.'
He doesn't leave me to remain in this current state;
HE RADICALLY TRANSFORMS ME WITH HIS LOVE.

"The Gospel is better than unconditional love.

  The Gospel says, ‘God accepts you just as Christ is.

God has ‘contraconditional’ love for you.’ 

CHRIST BEARS THE BURDEN YOU DESERVE  

Christ is fully pleasing to the Father

and gives you His own perfect goodness.  

Christ reigns in power,
making you the Father’s child and coming close to you 

to begin to change what is unacceptable to God about you. 

God never accepts me ‘as I am.’ 

He accepts me ‘as I am in Jesus Christ.’

THE CENTER OF GRAVITY IS DIFFERENT

The true Gospel does not allow God’s love

to be sucked into the vortex of the soul’s lust

for acceptability and worth in and of itself."

 
[C.J. Mahaney]

Your guilt, lostness, and shame aren't yours to bear.

[it's time to reconcile]

†

You will most likely find this to be at least a little bit offensive.

[but stick with me anyway]

I struggle with pride.

...That seems too nonchalant a statement. Let me try again:

Every single day, hundreds of thoughts that cross my mind are saturated in sinful pride. It was many years into my Christian faith before I actually labeled what I was doing as sin, and it was many years before I realized the extent of that sin in my life. Having repented and asked for forgiveness, I still struggle with pride daily. It's my vice— my own personal poison. I didn't choose it. It's a root that runs deep, but I know that by Christ's power I can overcome all temptation and sin in my heart, because I have been convicted about my sin by the Holy Spirit, and God has promised to conform me to Jesus' righteousness. 

There are a lot of people God placed in my life who could probably see with vastly more clarity than I just how deep in sin I was. But those people didn't inform me of how despicable my pride was. They didn't pass judgment on me; they recognized that this wasn't their job. Their job was to show me love, and that's exactly what happened. They heaped friendship and grace and encouragement into my life by the truck loads. My sanctification process took a long time to begin, and it's still not even close to completion, but you know what? That's been God's plan all along. It was only ever going to be accomplished in His perfect timing.

If those Christ-followers in my life had instead spent years trying to convince me of the sin in my life, making me feel dirty, worthless, and unholy— how effective do you think that would have been? If those people had spent our time together throwing scripture at me, outlining the flaws in my character and lifestyle— do you think I would have responded favorably? Even if I saw my pride for the despicable thing that it was, do you think their judgment would have spurred me toward actual, genuine repentance?

Highly unlikely.

"...do you not know that God's  K I N D N E S S  is meant to lead you to repentance?"

[Romans 2:4b]

— — —

Is everybody tracking with me? Are we all in agreement?

OKAY.

So, now I want you to go back and read that again— but any time the word 'pride' appears, I want you to read it as 'homosexuality' instead.

Seriously. Go back and read it again.

— — —

Did I lose any of you?

All of a sudden, there's an issue. Christians being homosexual? And not being immediately and openly rebuked? I can hear the objections being raised: "Christians have to hold one another accountable!" "We're called to lives of righteousness!" "We shouldn't allow our brothers and sisters in Christ to continue in sin!"

I fully agree.

Did you hear me?

I   f u l l y   a g r e e .

The church— NOT THE GOVERNMENT, BUT THE BODY OF CHRIST— must be accountable to one another, pushing each other towards righteousness and coming alongside one another in order to strive to follow Christ's commands.

Let's not make the mistake of thinking, however, that it's our job to change people.

That's the Holy Spirit's job.

Mankind has been historically unsuccessfully mandating morality. If there's one thing I've learned from studying the past, it is this: obedience in the hearts of men cannot be achieved through laws. When religious institutions or governments have tried, the people either openly oppose, disobey in secret, or adhere out of fear— never freely, genuinely, or willingly.

If you want our government to adopt God's law,

do you also want your salvation to come from how well you follow it? 

—because if we think we can moralize society through legal means,

we are removing Christ from Christianity.

Have we forgotten our first love? We, too, were lost in sin before Christ washed us clean. And yet every single believer— who has been born again and made new— still struggles with sin.

I am simultaneously disobedient and righteous.

At the same time a sinner and a saint.

Already and not yet.

This mystery cannot be fully understood by men, let alone accomplished through their efforts.

I'm pleading with you: never place morality above the scandalous grace which we have all found in Jesus Christ. It took me years of being a Christian to truly acknowledge my sin for what it is and begin actually desiring for it to be eradicated from my heart. This is a process of sanctification that all believers go through.

So why is it okay for you and me, but not okay for homosexuals?

We preach love and mercy and grace,

but where is its tangible manifestation?

Step back from this heated political debate for a moment and honestly ask yourself: Do I really believe that judgment and legalistic mandates of my religious beliefs will win anyone to Christ?

Isn't bringing people to the Kingdom our ultimate goal?

This world is broken.

My heart aches for the sinful condition of our culture.

It's riddled with pain, immorality, grief, violence, and hatred.

But let us never make the mistake of assuming that manmade institutions are the solution.

This world doesn't need moral laws;

THIS WORLD NEEDS JESUS.

The law brought death.

LIFE COMES THROUGH SACRIFICIAL LOVE.

I know it's hard to love people who don't seem to deserve it...

But, more often than not, those are the people who need it the most.

We've been recipients of completely undeserved forgiveness and grace.

We've had judgment entirely removed, though we did nothing to earn it.

We're daily given second, third, and four-hundred and ninety-eighth chances.

forgive as he forgave

comfort as he comforted

serve as he served

encourage as he encouraged

bless as he blessed

sacrifice as he sacrificed

withhold judgment as he withheld judgment

LOVE AS HE LOVED

"This is the practical, tangible working of the vision
that forces us to see, oppose, and cast out

not the people who oppose the gospel,

but the spiritual strongholds that possess them to do so.

You want to know how to bring people to Christ?

Identify the spiritual strongholds that stand between them and God,
and tear them down with pointed, intentional love.

Overwhelm the lies of the enemy in a person's life with such
a powerful, observable manifestation of God's love

 that they cannot help but see who they are
in God's eyes.

This is the love of the Father—
intentional love

 —and this is the only love that will beckon people to salvation."

[The Vision by Mattie Montgomery]

†

At the Castle in the Air

     "You must never feel badly about making mistakes," explained Reason quietly, "as long as you take the trouble to learn from them. For you often learn more by being wrong for the right reasons than you do by being right for the wrong reasons."
     "But there's so much to learn," Milo said, with a thoughtful frown.
     "Yes, that's true," admitted Rhyme, "but it's not just learning things that's important. It's learning what to do with what you learn and learning why you learn things at all that matters."

[The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster]

If it be true, I conclude something huge.

But in the end, God doesn't need a defense.

He is who He is.

Amen.

It's better than perfume.

Jesus came to the tomb. It was a cave, and a stone lay against it. Jesus said, "Take away the stone." Martha, the sister of the dead man, said to him, "Lord, by this time there will be an odor, for he has been dead four days." Jesus said to her, "Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?" So they took away the stone. And Jesus liften up his eyes and said, "Father, I thank you that you have heard me. I knew that you always hear me, but I said this on account of the people standing around, that they may believe that you sent me." When he said these things, he cried out with a loud voice, "Lazarus, come out." The man who had died came out, his hands and feet bound with linen strips, and his face wrapped with a cloth. Jesus said to them, "Unbind him and let him go."

[John 11:38-44]

As I view God as the Author of the universe, I like to think he is the ultimate expert at literary devices. I have to admit that I'm a bit of a nerd; I geeked out when I got to this passage in John. The foreshadowing, the metaphors... It's all so exciting! Partially because it's great literature, and partially because its implications affect the lives of everyone who has ever lived.

Right now I wanna hop out of this specific event in order to look at the broader implications, because I believe that this story isn't just about Jesus raising a man from the dead—which is awe-inspiring and incredible on it's own. I believe it's also a pre-game show for Christ's own death and resurrection— GET READY, PEOPLE: IT'S GONNA BE BIG— in addition to a picture of what it looks like when He rescues us from our sinful state of spiritual death. 

I've got 5 bits of goodness. Ready?

"Lord, by this time there will be an odor,
for he has been dead four days."

You know, sometimes I think that God made decomposing things smell so revolting to us as a kind of metaphor in order that we might understand how despicable sin is in His eyes. Now, the only thing I remember learning about math throughout my high school education was this: if A=B and B=C, then A=C. In other words, if people are sinful and sin is death, then people are dead in their sin. Yet Jesus descended from eternal bliss into this sin-infested mire without blinking. He doesn't care about the hopeless, disgusting state of people when we're dead— no matter how revolting it is to him. The living people around him are like, are you sure you wanna go there? It's gross. Have you ever smelled something that's dead? Naaaaasssstyy.

BIT NUMBER ONE: Christ forges on into our filth anyway;

he cares about us that much.

__________________________________

"Did I not tell you that if you believed
you would see the glory of God?"

Not if you do well enough in school. Not if enough people say you're a nice person. Not if you're successful enough at work. Not if you're a good enough friend, neighbor, child, sibling, or parent. Not even if you're a good enough Christian. 

BIT NUMBER TWO: The prerequisite for seeing God's glory

is NOTHING MORE than believing.

__________________________________

"Father, I thank you that you have heard me. I knew that you always hear me, but I said this on account of the people standing around, that they may believe that you sent me."

Jesus is constantly chatting with the Father; I'm pretty convinced they have that whole telepathy thing going on... But I think the moments when Jesus decides to communicate with Him verbally are the sweetest, because we know that he's only doing it so that we can hear. 

R.A. Torrey said,

"The chief purpose of prayer is that God may be glorified in the answer."

Isn't that beautiful? I mean, it's not like God is unaware of your needs until you tell Him about them. "Oh, good heavens— I didn't see you down there!" But when we ask God for things— and get them— we know that they came from God and can thank Him for them and give Him the praise and honor He deserves. Check out Jesus' prayer. He's thanking God and bearing witness that the miracle he's about to perform came solely from Him. What a classy fella.

BIT NUMBER THREE: Every miracle is done so the people who see it will know

it came from God.

__________________________________

"Lazarus, come out."

What a boss! This one is short and sweet. 

BIT NUMBER FOUR: The nature of the universe, the laws of physics, life and death...

Jesus has authority over everything.

__________________________________

"Unbind him and let him go."

This, at first glance, seems like the least important bit of dialogue in the entire passage. Like, kay... Obviously we don't want Lazarus to be mummified now that he's up and at it. But hear me out for a second:

The strips of linen used to wrap corpses were soaked in oil, spices, and perfumes; this was a Jewish custom with no other purpose than to keep the body from stinking so much. The stench of death was disgusting to them... Sound familiar? Except, instead of trying to cover up the smell of death, Jesus reverses death. He makes perfume obsolete. Do you understand the implications of that? The first time I read it, I didn't.

In our sinful state, we do stuff to try to make us seem less filthy. We try to train ourselves to be kind, generous, and thoughtful. We toil after perfection and try to be "good people" in order to cover up the stench of our rotting, sinful souls. With half-hearted attempts, we wrap our crappiness up in failed imitations of good deeds, always tainted with selfishness and pride. Just like spraying perfume on a rotting corpse, we know we're fighting a losing battle.

But Christ says, "unbind him and let him go." He doesn't bring extra-strength deodorant to the table; he wipes the slate clean, starting over from scratch. Christ makes us new creations. We don't have to constantly cover up our shameful sin, because HE HAS SET US FREE.

BIT NUMBER FIVE: We no longer have to strive after our own righteousness, because

Christ's is sufficient.

[Hebrews 10:14]

For by a single offering, Christ has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified.

†

Forgive me for asking.

[by Propaganda]

Question:

(And this is embarrassing)

———You ever been scared you had no idea what you were talking about?

Yeah, me too.

Honesty perplexed.

I've lied and so have you, Christians.

Lying.

Like you never had questions?

Like you never had a moment

when your inner dialogues

were all of a sudden in third person like,

"Are you really buying this?"

You're lying.

Like your eyes are 100% always satisfied by your spouse and you don't need accountability

—neither of which is biblical, by the way.

YOUR EYES ARE NEVER SATISFIED.

Us, overgrown primates with egos, lying.

You quote the devil when you declare yourself okay!

You get it but you don't get it.

Like you've never planted your Chuck Taylors firmly in the sinking sand…

You're lying.

We for centuries sing hymns of grace,

and THIS IS WHY IT'S AMAZING!

And if it's not, you don't understand…

Or you're lying.

Which is why your friends don't believe you. 

There is just as much Jesus' blood on your hand as there is his.

You sure you understand the cross?

Forgive me for asking.

Forgive me for asking.

And Muslims— excuse my boldness— but what if you're lying, too?

Like you don't ever have questions?

As if you've never wondered why Allah's ears only hear directionally,

and if you accidentally point it slightly north easterly then you've blasphemed?

As if the thought has never crossed your mind

that the Jihad has interpreted the Quran correctly

and you are what we Christians would call 'lukewarm'?

Which makes you much more like my evanjellyfish churchianity would allow me to admit. 

And you call me on it; I'll deny it, just don't believe me

because I'm lying.

I strain at gnats; I focus on silliness; I act like God has joined a political party— just like you.

As if you've never thought,

"What if I was paralyzed and I can't make my pilgrimage to Mecca—

yet I follow the text better than my whole family? Is there enough mercy for me?" 

Forgive me for asking.

Forgive me for asking.

I know it's wrong for me to front like I understand your theology

as well as I think I understand mine,

but I know we can agree on this: 

Something is deathly wrong with us. 

And you, smarty pants— don't front—

Like the little you know about our universe, you ready to draw conclusions about it's origins?

Maybe we don't know as much as we think we do…

———Science still can't explain yawning.

Like you never took your world view to its furthest conclusions?

>>>>> That if human behavior is just what protoplasm does at this temperature,

then there is no need for humanitarian effort,

because these atrocities weren't wrong,

IT'S JUST THE UNIVERSE WEEDING OUT BAD GENES.

Them is fingernail-on-chalkboard words, ain't 'em?

You're lying.

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe you're right.

Maybe we'll find out the day after the world ends.

Yeah, I guess we're all a little inconsistent,

SO MAYBE WE CAN JUST SHOW EACH OTHER SOME GRACE.

Forgive me for asking.

Forgive me for asking.

Forgive me for asking.

You ever bury yourself in self-righteous guilt?

[Huh, me too.]

Are there fresh tally marks on the walls of your brain's prison,

[Mine, too]

hoping that the count of good deeds outnumber the bad ones?

Are your miserable failures your badges of honor?

And when you count those tallies, 

and the day the good outnumber the bad,

pat yourself on the back:

YOU HAVE JOINED THE REST OF HUMANITY.

You, too, are lying.

Like you never thought, "Someone might catch me in my contradiction."

Yeah, me too.

You ever think to yourself, "I have no idea what I'm talking about"?

Yeah, me too.

Forgive me for asking.

Forgive me for asking.

[Free, legal download of this album here.]

Has it occurred to you?

Tonight, in the midst of an encouraging conversation, a thought floated through my mind:


Everything we experience in this life is a shadow of that which is eternal— who God is, the nature of His message, what He has saved us from, and the inexhaustible expansiveness of His sacrificial love.


.........Huh.

Love

Suffering

Beauty

Marriage

Birth

Growth

Death

Air
Bodies

Fruit

Baptism

Light

(this was my list after about two minutes of pondering— it is not exhaustive.)

— — —

It occurred to me that the things in my life are glimpses of God, meant to instill within me a longing to be like my Creator and be in His presence. Which is all fine and dandy, but how do I break that down into small enough pieces that I can apply it to my life today?


Gear up, Christ-followers:


Someone wronged me this week. Not unusual— this happens to everyone around the world every single day. But it's easy to get upset and feel like that person owes me an apology. I feel somehow entitled to being treated with kindness, fairness and compassion. Erroneous, unrestrained thoughts tear through my mind: I would never do something like this to them— they need to ask for my forgiveness— how could they possibly not see that what they did is wrong?


The truth, if I'm being honest with myself, is that I constantly fail and hurt and sin against everyone in my life, often without even realizing it. I'm an incredibly flawed human being and I'm not inherently entitled to any manner of kindness— no one is. Yet I've been forgiven and cleansed of my all my sin by a perfect, loving Creator. When I look at the ways people hurt me in light of the innumerable sins I've committed against God, my pain is a fading echo of what sounds like justice. And even more so, when I compare the sheer volume of God's mercy and forgiveness, it seems too foolish to comprehend that I shouldn't be able to forgive anyone for ANYTHING they've done to me. 


In the midst of hardships I compare my trials to the suffering of Christ. All at once, the things that troubled me so much are discovered to be feeble and decrepit. In view of the incomprehensible grace of an eternal God, it seems obvious that unabated forgiveness should flow freely from my life.


Oh, how I long to live with an eternal perspective.
Oh, how I long to be worthy of my name.

GIRLS SO STUPID.

I like feeling pretty and cherished; I think this can be said of every girl. There's something about knowing that you are valued by others that gives you self-worth and confidence. Girls thrive off of this— myself included. To a certain extent there's nothing wrong with that. It's when we can't find any sense of self-worth without getting that positive attention, and when we become slaves to the admiration of others, and when our desire to feel 'loved' creates a stumbling block for others, that it becomes a problem.

Every girl knows that getting attention from most guys is as easy as wearing a low-cut shirt or short shorts. It's hard for a guy to ignore a pretty girl who is showing a little too much skin; that's just the way guys are—that's the way their minds work. If you haven't yet come to this realization, you are:

     a) definitely not a boy

            and

     b) inexcusably oblivious

Let's clear something up: I'm not here to bash guys in any way; they get enough grief. Men are called perverted and disgusting, constantly ridiculed for their apparent inability to keep their minds out of the proverbial gutter. Meanwhile, women dress with less and less modesty— making it nearly impossible for any men who actually desire to keep their thoughts away from sex to do so.

I'm not saying the blame should be entirely placed on women; there are certainly men in the world who are perverted pigs who disregard women and treat them as objects to satisfy their sexual desires. This is a reality. But there are two sides to every story, and I'm coming out of the woodworking to tell you the one less favored.

STORY TIME:
Last night I walked down a commonly-used staircase in my dorm that leads to both the laundry room and the mailboxes for every resident in the building. I live in a coed dorm. Before I made it to my box, my attention was arrested by a bulletin board loudly proclaiming, "Love your breasts!" There were random facts that I don't feel the need to repeat— mostly along the lines of body image and unrealistic standards created by the media, etc. And, don't get me wrong, I'm all for women being comfortable with their bodies and loving the way God made them. What appalled me was not the informative text provided, but rather the 10+ pictures of women in lingerie posted all over the board. I stood there for a substantial amount of time with my mouth hanging open, fuming. In a moment of disgust I paused to cross-check my fury against logic and principle, and after a quick glance down the hall I swiftly ripped off every one of the pictures. I threw them in the recycling bin. I left the facts on the board, unscathed.

It's not enough that the sunshine comes out, bringing with it short skirts and unnecessary amounts of skin... But women have actually felt the need, in the midst of pretending to fight unrealistic standards, to completely objectify women. Parading pictures of half-naked women infront of every guy that wants to do laundry or check his mail this month in the name of promoting good self-image? And yet we get angry with men when they stare at us. Not to mention that all this is occurring while women everywhere are crying out about the injustice of double standards.

I'm furious.

—————————

I started this post a week ago and I had to let it cool off before returning to it. There are many things I'd like to say, but instead I'm going to let God's word speak for itself, as it is far more capable than I:

Romans 6:12 "All things are lawful for me," but not all things are helpful. "All things are lawful for me," but I will not be enslaved by anything.

Romans 8:9, 11 Take care that this right of yours does not somehow become a stumbling block to the weak... by your knowledge this weak person is destroyed, the brother for whom Christ died. Thus, sinning against your brothers and wounding their conscience when it is weak, you sin against Christ.

Galatians 5:13-25 For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." But if you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another. But I say, walk by the spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we love by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit.

1 Peter 3:3-4 Do not let your adorning be external— the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

Galatians 1:10 For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. 

—————————

To the Christ-following men who may be reading this: I commend you for the daily battle you have with lust, and I sincerely apologize for my gender's complete lack of sympathy for your struggles. It is truly inexcusable. I pray that you, my brothers in Christ, would rely on God's grace and strength to pursue holiness and live a life pleasing to He who saved us from the punishment we all deserve.

To the Christ-following women who may be reading this: I challenge you to look at the choices of your daily life— your words, your behavior, and the clothes you wear— as opportunities to uplift the body of Christ and glorify God. 

What is the deal?

The more I read the Word,
the more I realize how filthy and pathetic I am.
The more I see of my own shortcomings,
the more I want to follow the example of Christ.
The more I learn about Jesus,
the more undeserving I feel.
The more I realize my own unworthiness,
the more I understand how overwhelmingly loved I am.
And the more I see God's perfect, selfless love,
the more I want to read His Word.

WHAT is the DEAL?!

What is it about Christ that draws me irresistibly to him?
Despite having light shed on my filthiness, shortcomings, and unworthiness...
I can't stay away.

I know do bad things and I know I'm not a good person.
Anyone who thinks they're a good person is lying to themselves...
But then there's this guy who was actually perfect,
and he chose to go and get himself crucified.
And then he said that it was for me;
for the stuff I've done.
And that what he did washes all that crap away.

And if I could, in my selfishness,
I think I'd prefer to take that 'get outta Hell free card'
and leave this crazy radical to his ethereal schemes,
continuing to live my life the way I want to.

But something about him just doesn't let me do that.
Something about his bleeding, broken body
calls me back to the foot of the cross
to gaze at his horrific suffering and death,
and just...
 

Worship.
Cry out.
Be humbled.
Mourn over my sin.
Give up control of my live.
Repent and turn from my disgusting monstrosities.
Learn and grow in my understanding of the Creator of the universe.
And fight against my evil nature until the day I'm called home.

His irresistible, selfless, undeserved love draws me in,
making me hate myself,
while giving me the ability,
the strength,
the conviction,
and the desire
to change who I am,
soli deo gloria.

Submit yourselves therefore to God.

Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.

Cleanse your hands, you sinners,

and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 

Be wretched and mourn and weep. 

Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. 

Humble yourselves before the Lord, 

and he will exalt you. 

James 4:7 

†

I cried today.

Because I realized I'm that person James was talking about.
That guy who studies his own face in the mirror,
and then turns and walks away,
promptly forgetting what he looks like.
I hear the word, but I don't do the word.

"IT'S NOT ENOUGH TO CALL YOUR SELF A DISCIPLE OF JESUS."

I say all these things, but do I really have the will to put them into action?

Or am I just reciting these truths--

these beautiful, perfect, flawless truths--
these truths I've learned but never fully bought into?
Because I've never truly applied them to my life--
Not in their entirety, at least.

"HOW DID WE GET TO A PLACE IN CHRISTIANITY WHERE PEOPLE CALL THEMSELVES 'CHRISTIANS' BUT LOOK NOTHING LIKE JESUS?"

I cried because I fall short.
Again and again and again.
For this I hate myself sometimes.
At least I hate the parts of me that aren't reflecting Christ.
Which, at times, can be a rather pretty overwhelming proportion.
And so I beat up on myself.
I cried because when I listen to myself, I hear:
I'll never be good enough.
I'll never be satisfied with myself.
I'll never consider myself to be valuable.
And then I realize that my thinking is completely backwards.
And that in my self-loathing,
I'm defiling something that God created to be pure and beautiful and holy.
Not my actions, which are sinful-- that's not what I'm talking about.
I'm talking about me.
Because my sin has been washed away.
I'm talking about the reality that I'm justified in the eyes of my creator.
He looks at my filth and sees Jesus' blood:
and it is finished.

Yet I continue to treat myself like garbage,
somehow warping truth & thinking I need to be punished for the crappy stuff I've done--
for my continual failures and shortcomings.
Thinking that I need to suffer for my wrongs,
as though they require more payment...
As though Jesus' death was somehow insufficient.

I cried today because I couldn't bring myself to accept His grace.
Not that I don't think it's adequate:
I know it's more than enough.
The insufficiency I'm overwhelmed with is my own.
I don't feel like I'm worthy of anything,
let alone perfect love.
Today is one of those days that I just have to remind myself...
The point of grace is that I don't deserve it.
Because when I'm utterly incapable on my own, that's when God get's all the credit.
And my self-worth should reflect the fact that I'm a part of God's kindgom.
The point of everything is for God to receive the most glory.
And that isn't achieved by me punishing myself;
it's achieved by complete humility, gratitude, submission and praise.

2 Timothy 1:9-10

"[God] saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works but because of his own purpose and grace, which he gave us in Christ Jesus before the ages began, and which now has been manifested through the appearing of our Savior Christ Jesus, who abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel"

( I Wonder by Leeland )

I’m in awe at the majesty of who You are

Your love is a seal burnt inside my heart

All of the day I want to be where You are

Holy Father

And it feels like there’s not enough praise inside of me

With all these words, all my heart can sing is holy

You are holy 

Jesus Christ

You bled Your love, laid down Yourself

And gave me life

In naked shame You hung and You were lifted high

Here I lay in awe and wonder

And I am afraid

For no one’s ever sacrificed and loved me this way

So on my face I fall under Your heavy grace

Here I lay in awe and wonder

And I wonder