I remember when I was a youngin'. I thought college kids were SO cool. They were so adulty. Independent. Confident. Awesome. It was like, "Mannnn, I can't wait until I'm that old!"
Welp... Here I am. And some days I have to remind myself that I am, in fact, this old. It's those days — the days when real life sneaks up, whops me on the back of the head and proceeds to run away, giggling — that I ask, "EY! When did YOU get here?!" Ridiculous, really — I've spent so much time in the last few years sitting around, praying and asking God for things. Telling Him I'm ready for this and that; ready to be used by Him and ready for real life to begin. As though I knew better than He what I was and was not ready for; as though 'real life' was something I hadn't yet entered.....
He waited patiently for the day that I finally realized I wasn't in control; the day when I willingly handed over the reins to the One who actually knows what the destination is. It was on this day that I realized that I was far better off trusting in the Author of the universe with my story than trying to feebly construct something of beauty on my own— and oh, what a day it was. (a Tuesday, I think...)
Up next was the period in my life where I asked God what the plan was. I had acknowledged my lack-of-control-ness; I was now ready for whatever He had in store. The mildly satirical summation of my mindset was as follows:
"Hey, God. I have no control over anything; You've completely got it covered. You're awesome and powerful and loving and in control and all that stuff. Mmm." *thoughtful pause* "So. Since I fully trust you now and everything— where exactly are we going?"
Sarah Thvedt has given me some pretty brutal colloquial beatings to this effect. I've grown to love it. I've also grown from it; I've seen my capricious faithlessness and realized it takes more than that to truly hand my life over to my Creator.
And some days I feel peace about leaving my life in God's hands. Some days I worry about the future and where I'm headed. Some days I feel ready to take on the world and I wish He'd hurry up and let me in on the agenda. Some days I feel entirely inadequate for the tasks at hand.
Each and every day I feel blessed to have my life in His hands.
My God is a god who guides. My God is a god who is in control. My God is a god who has a perfect plan. My God is a god who gives me everything I need. My God is a god who knows the right timing for everything. My God is a god who loves me despite my constant second-guessing. My God is a god who is way more patient with me than I would be with myself.
I'm approaching the end of something, but I'm not entirely sure what that something is. Childhood? Sounds odd saying I'm an adult now... It's like, "When did THAT happen? When did I stop being a kid?" But I guess these things don't ever really have a definitive closure... I don't think it's quite the beginning of something new, though; not yet at least. So that places me in a kind of limbo for another week and a half.
I feel very non-existent.
I'm leaving my family. And my room. And my town. I'm not a part of my high school anymore, leaving all those great people (and all the sub-par ones, too) behind for... for what? A new community, a new home, a new school, a new job, a new group of yet-to-be-determined friends. SIDE NOTE: if you stare at the word 'new' for too long it starts to look like it's not spelled correctly.I'm also starting to question the context in which I've used it. None of these things are actually new. They've been there for quite a jolly good chunk of time; other people have occupied the space I'm headed towards, and been quite comfortable in my figurative to-be-inherited shoes. The only new thing about my rapidly approaching circumstances is... me.
Last night Ali and I went on a walk. In passing my old elementary school, we felt compelled to wander over to the playground and swing for a bit. The conversation was gold; we talked about family, we talked about friends. Life, faith, struggles, joys, and the impending college experiences we're headed in different directions to experience in a matter of weeks. I gave her a fantastic little tour of the Fellows playground which, by the way, is basically the coolest thing ever. It's practically a castle. So, continuing to discuss the complexity of life, we sat up in one of the towers for... an hour? two hours? three? Who knows..
At some point, though, I noted how peculiarly picturesque that particular moment in time was. Sounds like something that should be in a movie, doesn't it? Sitting in your elementary school playground with a dear friend, at the end of your last summer of childhood, about to go off to college for the first time, gazing at the opportunities and lessons ahead, pondering faith and relationships and life. I feel as though that moment is one I'll remember for a real long time.
I say I know God's plan. I say I'm ready, ready for my life to begin.
When did I start thinking my life hadn't already begun?
I've been wasting away in this stagnancy, thinking that some event or another will mark the start of it all. How have I been content in that? How can I sit and wait on another person to... to what? Make me feel more complete? Make me feel valued? Secure? What evidence has anyone ever seen of the things of this earth offering true satisfaction, true comfort, true peace? It's funny, really. I get into power struggles with the one who created me--- and I consistently lose. But the more I surrender to God, the more He breaks down the things I try to find security in. And the more He takes my comfort blankets away, the more I realize that He is enough. HE'S ENOUGH. What in the world is the matter with me that I can't just abide in that?
I'm becoming increasingly aware of my own insufficiency; it's SO evident to me. I live for the moments when I realize my weakness is His strength. I just want to soak that up... I really do. I long for the ability to recklessly abandon everything. But again and again, in my idiotic unfaithfulness, I try to take control of my life. Struggles consume me and I finally give them over to God, but I still won't let Him have my future.
He's the Author of the Universe. What's wrong with me?
I found this note stuck in my bible, a prayer I wrote down last summer while I was counseling at Hidden Acres-- the same thing I'm doing this summer. It was pretty long, but this particular piece caught me:
I want so badly to know what's in store for me, but I know that if you showed me a glimpse of the future, all I would do is become impatient with your timing: and your timing is perfect. Lord, allow me to be content with waiting, with trusting and not knowing what's around the corner. Give me peace; quiet my heart.
Remember that dad from Fiddler on the Roof? Tevye, that Jewish man with five daughters who all get married in rapid succession to men he doesn't really know or approve of. Yeah... I'm him. But don't take the metaphor too far. Not jewish, certainly not a father of five... Also, not really many marriages, and this is important, the disapproval thing doesn't apply to me either. So in all honesty it's a pretty crappy allusion on my part. Shut up.
I have four older brothers. Brother no.1 met his wife in high school, when I was 5. I don't remember not knowing her-- she's always been around and is definitely like a sister to me. They got married in 2004 and have had two daughters since then (and there's another one on the way.) Brother no.3 brought a girl home to meet us roughly three years ago and she's been hanging around ever since. They go pretty nicely together if you ask me. Which you should, cause I'm the sister. Then there was a drought of new non-Stephenson girls in our lives... My mom started fretting about when her remaining sons were going to find nice girlfriends. She tried match-making-- that didn't work out too well. But then, this year, within a span of a few months, Brother no.2 and 4 both have special lady friends.... Also, in both cases, I'm pretty sure I was inadvertently the first person to know about them.
It's odd watching your older siblings grow up and press onward into their adults lives, only to realize that, most likely, you're headed in the same general direction. I'm not announcing that I'm dating anyone, not even close.. hah.. But the general shape of our lives is shifting in a significant way. It changed when Andrew got married, and took a much bigger turn when he had kids. We went into baby mode. All the old toys came back out and our home was filled with barbies and princess clothes and all things pink. It was a shock to the system, but we had a clear, new, (usually)predictable direction in which to run. Now, I'm not really sure where we're going.
Being an adult seems so much foggier. You decide everything for yourself, except all the things you can't control... which tend to be vast. The future is so much more unsure when your every move isn't dictated by the fact that you're a student, a child, a sibling, too young to make big decisions or do anything on your own. In reflection, being a kid seems easier because you are constantly told your place. Sure, you fight it, but ultimately you know what you are and aren't supposed to do. They do that to you for almost 18 years--- teach you your place. And then suddenly you realize that the thing you've been fighting for is here; independence. You're an adult and you get to make your own decisions. But the catch is that the past 18 years haven't been preparing you for that... Not really, not in it's entirety. I mean, my parents and family and people in my church and my teachers have taught me life skills that will definitely be valuable when I graduate to real-life-hood, there is no question about that. I've been tested by increasingly frequent glimpses of adult-sized issues and challenges and I'm being molded by my creator-- I'm sure he's preparing me for whatever is out there... But my new role hasn't been clearly defined by 18 years of practice, and I'm not quite sure I feel ready for it.
What's my place in this shifting reality? I'm scared about my future, about the future of my brothers. It's hard to let God control my life when it's still me making the decisions and I don't know what direction He want's me to go. What's my new role when our lives make cataclysmic jumps into the unknown? When Andrew introduced us to Amy, I'm pretty sure I broke a twig off a tree and started hitting her with it. (Or so the story goes....It's possible that Amy has changed that story over time... But maybe not.) That was my reaction to a new girl in our family. Apparently, I didn't care for it. I didn't have quite as abrasive a reaction to Kristin when Matt introduced us... I don't actually remember-- I'm sure I wasn't at all barbaric. But I don't know, now I'm starting to feel deep down that everything is changing. We aren't kids anymore, and that seems quite obvious, but it has taken me a while to fully grasp that idea. We have responsibilities and challenges and full-scale problems. We don't wake up on Saturday mornings and dump out all the Legos and stay there till mom makes us get up and do our chores. There are more girls in our family than boys. I had never even thought that was plausible.. It was a 5:2 ratio all my life, and now with May baby coming, the girls will have a one-up on the boys. I could potentially have four sisters later in my life. FOUR. Actually, I could have more than that. What if I just marry some guy with like 5 sisters? That's 9.Utterly inconceivable. I don't know how to have sisters, at least not in the way other people do. Amy and I kept tried to have a girl movie night, and we first ended up getting the Kite Runner. The next time, we got Beautiful Mind. And then I'm pretty sure we watched The Boy in the Striped Pajamas. All really, really good movies. Chick flicks? Absolutely not. I'm not saying all sisters must love girly movies, I'm just saying that some do. And if my potential sisters do... I will have to somehow accommodate that. What if I get a 'sister' whose sense of humor is cryptic to me? Or can't carry on a conversation with the Stephenson mob? We're a tough bunch to keep up with, or so I've been told.
I'm not sure anymore what I'm getting at, other than the fact that life is scary. I don't think anyone could deny that.. It's hard to know what direction to take. It's hard to know who you're supposed to be or what you're supposed to do, especially when stuff doesn't play out the way you thought it might. I think that's true in the Fiddler on the Roof, too. His life took drastic shifts in unexpected ways and he didn't know how to respond. It's tough when you are plunged into a new chapter of life and forgot the instruction manual, ya know? Tough choices come and we don't know which way we're supposed to turn. Thank goodness I'm not in charge of writing my own story..
Have you heard the song Faust, Midas and Myself? No? Some lyrics just popped into my head.
You got one life, one life
One life left to lead
What direction? Death or action? Life begins at the intersection
This turned into a resolution-ish statement. Not really intended to be... but whatever works, I suppose.
Six-ish hour car van ride happenings (events, discussions, and my own meandering mind) with myself, Stephanie Haila, and three sleeping persons.
Hour One:Hidden Acres Reminiscing / Story time/ Everything changes so muchhh.
My thoughts during hour one:
I'm building a legacy at this place I love,
but who am I doing it for?
Is the legacy
"Grace was great counselor"
or is it
"This camp is 100% Christ-centered,
and I want my kids going there to strengthen their faith
and to learn what fell0wship really looks like"
well,
there are people who were around camp for years
investing time and sacrificing better-paying jobs
to impact kids' lives.
They were legendary counselors,
but nobody remembers their names after a few years.
What they left, though,
the thing that was immortalized,
was the effect they had on camp and the kids and the people they were working with.
How they glorified Christ through their words and actions.
I don't want to do anything for me,
I want it all to be for Him.
My sinful selfishness gets in the way.
but I'm working on it.
*end thoughts*
Hour Two:Steph = driving. Me = joining the other slug-a-beds in a brief slumber.
Hour Three:Listen to all Jon Foreman's season EPs. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
My thoughts during hour three:
I have a rock
that I need to depend on
MUCH more than I have been.
Why would I want my future to be in my hands anyway?
- - - - -
Nobody likes it when a relationship begins rapidly and flawlessly.
Seriously. It's the worst.
Pam and Jim finally got together,
got married and had a baby...
what happened?
>> Steve Carell leaves <<
And the office starts to look a little bit
like the plane 5 minutes into Madagascar 2.
hillarious, but depressing.
also, shut up. I know it's not the best analogy.
- - - - -
I WANT CONFLICT
and thennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
I WANT RESOLUTION I want a written, choreographed, real-life journey.
"Oneday,
I will walk with you,
Across this bridge,
We're building,
And my heart will say,
What can't be said.
But for now
I'll keep my tongue tied,
And let the pages unfold,
If time is against us,
Our love will be young,
When we're old."
I want to struggle and lament and wrestle with my singleness.
And find peace.
And THEN, well.
"Whatever, God...
Do with me as you wish."
I want to give my life over to Him, but I still have all these things that I'm longing for; I want to take the wheel, ...But I wouldn't know where to go if I had it. "We're either riders or fools behind the reigns" It's a work in progress.
*end thoughts*
LUNCH BREAK!
HOUR FOUR: What are Grace's life plans for the next five years? Gab gab gab. What is going on in Steph's life? Gab gab gab gab gab. Lot's of quality catch-up chatting. (shocked that we didn't start with this? samesies.)
My thoughts during hour four:
I know where I want to be
I know who I want to be
I have no clue where I'll actually be
But I know without a doubt that,
if I let Him,
my God will shape and orchestrate me and my life.
So where will I be in five years?
Where ever He wants, I guess.
It's a hard thing to have complete faith in.
but I'm working on it..
it's a work in progress.
*end thoughts*
HOUR FIVE:personality analysis = my favorite thing. It's myfavorite thing.
Thoughts during hour five:
I am SO motivated by recognition.
At least in terms of creating something,
I'm 100% fueled by positive acknowledgment
it scares me a little bit.
It's unstable,
unreliable.
It reminds me of how human I am.
"This blood is fire rushing through my veins"
It's just another example
of how much I cling to worldly things,
opinions, expectations.
Last night I made a new page in my book
with a poem someone in my church wrote,
and a song someone at my church performed..
And then I sat in my room
and cried.
Thanking God for the inspiration that came straight from Him
to bring different mediums together,
all intended to glorify Him.
I want to channel all that praise back to the original Author,
but it's hard when that pride is my energy.
I can't pry it from my clenched fists,
though;
I want my heart to be in the right place--
I want to give it back willingly.
sincerely.
genuinely.
I'm working on it...
it's a work in progress.
*end thoughts*
HOUR SIX: Listen to Mark Driscoll on Joy in Suffering.
Thoughts during hour six:
Suffering isn't God punishing me for my sin.
I sometimes get tricked into feeling that way.
But my sin has been bought.
It's been paid for.
Jesus was tortured and murdered for it,
and He is no longer in the grave. HE IS NO LONGER IN THE GRAVE
Suffering is an opportunity.
The way I react to it entirely determines the fruit of it.
If I get bitter and angry at God,
I'm no different than the world.
If I take it with continuous joy and patience
and let a love that I could never comprehend pour out of me...
"You shine like stars in the universe."
I have to constantly remind myself to be a lighthouse.
That's why I'm here.
And it's not easy, but it's not my own strength that I'm depending on, anyway.
It's hard, but He's helping me work on it.
*end thoughts*
Andddddddddddddddddd..... I'm HOME!
Jesus, Thank you for suffering. For directing orchestrating shaping uplifting encouraging and loving me more than I could ever, with this earthly body and human mind, comprehend. Help me behave like a person who has received more than I could ever deserve Help me shine. Always, only, ever for You.
All I want is time. Free, expansive, unimpeded time. to do with as I please. Time to play my guitar. All I want to do is play my guitar until my fingers bleed. And then I'll superglue them shut and play more, more, more. I want time to create art, as much as I want, in whatever medium I want at my own leisurely pace, with no one telling me that taking the ACT and applying for colleges is more important. My grandchildren won't care how many colleges I applied to. They won't treasure my test scores and show them to their children. My great-grandmother's paintings are hanging all around my house. I want time to read, and not, like, obscure excerpts from King Lear or random short stories about racial tension that my AP lit teacher piles on us. I want to get lost in scripture for hours and not have to worry about anything but what is pouring into me. Last night I was 34 psalms deep ...when I got a text from a friend. There are other distractions in my life that I want to have the option of escaping from. I want to re-read all my favorite books, and I want time to sit for an hour after i've finished them, and just revel in their poetic construction and meaning. I want time to laugh with my nieces. And not worry about all the other pressing, 'important' things I need to be doing. I want to swing and play dress-up and sing for hours. I want time to go on a walk. just walk around in the cold and the still and the silence and marvel at my Creator's creation. That would be the greatest christmas present ever, besides maybe the guitar that my mom is trying to hide in her room, if someone were to simply ask me if I would like to go on a walk. where to? where ever we end up. nothing else to do today nothing we should be worrying about no deadlines to meet. I've already taken the stupid ACT... I want to take an entire day to just call all the people I haven't spoken with since summer, people whose lives I wanted to invest it to a great extent, until I let my busy schedule get in the way. There's no excuse for that. There were ministry opportunities that faded away as I watched from behind my planner filled with scratchy notes and reminders. I feel like there isn't enough time in the world for me to do whatever it is I'm supposed to do. to be whoever it is I'm supposed to be. to blossom like a flower in early spring, growing in my creativity and my understanding my faith my love my joy my influence my conviction I want to grow into whatever sort of woman God wants me to be. I want to calm the chaos I want to invigorate the mundane. I want to never say any commonplace thing or settle for mediocre. I want to be set ablaze to have an insatiable thirst for more of beauty, light, love, my God.
I want more.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, ...And miles to go before I sleep.
ONE: it's Greer's birthday! YAY, you're finally... like... 13? I kid, I kid. But seriously, I hope it was a good one, you big 17-year-old, you.
TWO: today is the last day of No-Shave November. I might cry...
THREE: in exactly one hundred days, I will be in France! *AHEM* I WILL BE IN FRANCE IN ONE HUNDRED DAYS. again, I might cry. FOUR: I became a novelist today. Seriously. I HATE writing fiction, but today I wrote a short story and DIDN'T hate myself at the end. THIS IS A BIG DEAL.
did I say there were five things?
Oh, yeah...
I just decided which college I'll be spending the next four years of my life at, no big.
Life spins off in crazy directions, and sometimes we lose our balance.
I think I get caught up in the stress of it all and forget where I'm actually headed.
what's important
why I've been put here
who I'm becoming.
And I get a moment to come up for air and realize that I'm terrified, and I have no idea what the future is gonna look like. And that feeling in my stomach, in the back of my mind, it starts to creep in until I don't feel anything but worry. It doesn't accomplish anything.
Worrying is a synonym for not trusting if God's plan.
And he has a plan, I've been shown that over and over and over. But I'm insatiable and insecure so I guess I need to be continually reminded-- and I THANK GOD that he is a merciful and patient and loving god.
When I get lost in worry or stress, I peddle backwards through my mind until I find something that I can grasp, something to hold onto and put my trust and faith in.
>God has made everything beautiful in its time. There is a plan for us and it is incredible, and if he showed it to us, wouldn't it ruin the surprise?
>He has set eternity in the hearts of men. "If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."
>Everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing can be taken away from it. He is perfect and so is everything he has orchestrated.
camp flew by undetected by everyone in my life except myself and those who shared my experience there.
every summer I think I know what God is going to teach me and every summer I'm smacked upside the head with a lesson utterly unanticipated that I usually don't notice until months later, the full impact taking much longer to truly sink in.
I didn't think I had a "real" testimony, a God story, until this year. I didn't think there was any stuff that had happened in my life
that God set in place for a reason. Or maybe I just hadn't taken much time to think about it?
But I had to share my testimony this summer,
so I was force to comb over my life. These things, significant things... mom having cancer a cousin killing himself friends getting in a serious car accident a life-threatening experience grandparents getting divorced struggling through the ideas in a class at church a cousin-in-law dying As I looked back, the stuff God taught me
hit me like a giant station wagon. My experiences, good and bad,
were woven together like a perfectly told story.
Romans 8:28 - And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Three things: He loves us He works for our good. (IN ALLLLLLL THINGS.) and we've been called to serve Him.
Take a minute and reflect on what He's taught you. If we don't slow down and take the time to appreciate that every good and perfect gift comes from above, (James 1:17) We might not realize what an amazing story He's writing for us.
