how fickle my heart; how faithful his

I say I know God's plan. I say I'm ready, ready for my life to begin.

When did I start thinking my life hadn't already begun?

I've been wasting away in this stagnancy, thinking that some event or another will mark the start of it all. How have I been content in that? How can I sit and wait on another person to... to what? Make me feel more complete? Make me feel valued? Secure? What evidence has anyone ever seen of the things of this earth offering true satisfaction, true comfort, true peace? It's funny, really. I get into power struggles with the one who created me--- and I consistently lose. But the more I surrender to God, the more He breaks down the things I try to find security in. And the more He takes my comfort blankets away, the more I realize that He is enough. HE'S ENOUGH. What in the world is the matter with me that I can't just abide in that?

I'm becoming increasingly aware of my own insufficiency; it's SO evident to me. I live for the moments when I realize my weakness is His strength. I just want to soak that up... I really do. I long for the ability to recklessly abandon everything. But again and again, in my idiotic unfaithfulness, I try to take control of my life. Struggles consume me and I finally give them over to God, but I still won't let Him have my future.

He's the Author of the Universe. What's wrong with me?

I found this note stuck in my bible, a prayer I wrote down last summer while I was counseling at Hidden Acres-- the same thing I'm doing this summer. It was pretty long, but this particular piece caught me:

I want so badly to know what's in store for me, but I know that if you showed me a glimpse of the future, all I would do is become impatient with your timing: and your timing is perfect. Lord, allow me to be content with waiting, with trusting and not knowing what's around the corner. Give me peace; quiet my heart.

It hasn't lost any truth.