soli deo gloria

Three and a half years ago, I was real confused. Primarily on this point: my cousin killed himself one January afternoon. For no apparent reason.
"God? Hello? I know you're there, but what the heck are you up to?"
There was a lingering question mark woven into every bit of consolation I received. It's true; we have no idea why crappy stuff happens. It's not God punishing us or anything-- this world is tainted by sin and therefore just kind of inherently sucks at times... A lot of the time. But was that all the comfort we would get, really?
"Your cousin shot himself in the head? Yeah, bummer dude. Isn't this world just the worst? Heaven will be better, just you wait..."
If that was all I got, I'm not sure how far I would have made it... I went to work as a cook at Hidden Acres six months after that, and I kept all that shenanigans to myself. No body wanted to hear about my sad miserable life. I wasn't there to drag everybody down, I was there to encourage the body of believers!
Grace's Flawless Plan #38: Uplift others, mask your own grief because it's just a hindrance to your ministry.
Yep. That went well... Until it didn't, which was almost instantaneously. Sure, it was with astonishing ease that I pretended to be super encouraging happy outgoing bubbly Grace. And then... the freezer was where I went to cry.
"My cheeks are red? Oh, it's nothing-- I was just in the freezer."
I'm an expert mask-designer. I wore them all summer long, until one night I went to chapel and heard the testimony of a counselor named Caitlin. Two years before that, her cousin shot himself in the head. The outrageous parallels between our stories still freaks me out a little bit... Although now I know that she was strategically placed in my life. She comforted and encouraged and gave me scripture and told me about God's love and purposes. God gives us pretty good smacks upside the head sometimes, doesn't He?
"You're trying to go through this on your own? Really? You're my child: run to Me. You need to confide in others who love Me, too. You can't do this on your own. But I'm here, and I'm sufficient."
Amen. For the past three years, that was where my testimony ended. That was the conclusion, and it was good. God places people in our lives to comfort us. We can rely on Him to get us through the hard stuff in this world. Yay God.
That sounds sarcastic or something.. Do I sound sarcastic? I can't express my sincerity: It was huge. I was gently and lovingly guided back to the cross by the strongest, most irresistible force in existence. He pulled me out of the ashes and gave me a renewed hope and trust in Him and His promises for our lives. God is GOOD.
But where my faux-sarcasm stems from is this: I seemed to think I could catalog His goodness. That I could look at each hardship or trial and then scroll over to the resolution column and check off each individual instance where His loving kindness prevailed. 
Hardship:           Cousin died
Resolution:     Drawn closer to Christ.
Amen, closed case, the Lord is awesome.

Uhhhh, no. I don't get to confine the Creator of the Universe to an Excel spreadsheet. I don't get to pretend I'm bigger than Him. I don't get to dictate how He uses my experiences. I don't get to control or plan or even fully understand the ways He works.

This summer I had a camper whose best friend had committed suicide a few months before camp. And I was able to tell her exactly what she needed to hear, because I knew what would help and what wouldn't. I knew what promises of God she could cling to and what scripture would be able to pull her through it all. I looked her in the eyes and told her with all honesty that I knew exactly how she was feeling. 

And I KNOW that girl was placed in my cabin. Strategically. Because my gracious, loving Creator had spent the last three years equipping me, through trial, for His ministry.

By His plan alone, for His purposes alone, to His glory alone.

Don't diminish what God can do. Don't minimize His power or His movement in our lives. I mean, really. Who are we that He even cares for us, that He even chooses to use us?