OSTRICHES: [the Reconciliation]

This post is the third of a three-part documentation of the journey my overly-analytical mind took while hitting the replay button on the song below. Please give it a listen in its entirety before diving in; I've written out the lyrics for your convenience. Click here for part one and click here for part two.

—   —   —

My False by Matt Corby

You see, I don't know where I'm running to

It's become quite hard to see

There's a guilty weight on my conscience

Of all my wrongful deeds

It's time to reconcile
It's time to reconcile

Oh, if I walk into the darkness I'll be lost
But if I try to stay, the light will show my false

I will keep my head in the sand, dear

Let the grains block out the sun

With shame as my companion

It will stay close til I'm done

It's time to reconcile
It's time to reconcile

Oh, if I walk into the darkness I'll be lost
But if I try to stay, the light will show my false

—   —   —

[the Reconciliation]
I met a guy named Donovan who talked about this constant, unfulfilled, dissatisfied, restless longing that every human carries with them every moment of every day.
He said, "If someone offered me eternal life, I'd say No thanks—
unless something is gonna be radically different."

I agree.
Cause if I pay attention, I don't see people thriving.
It seems like the ache of this song is echoed in the hearts of everyone around me.

And maybe you've noticed, too.
Maybe, as hard as you try,
a purposeful, beautiful, joyful life just doesn't seem to be in the cards.


Honestly? No. Of course I don't want eternal life—— IF ETERNAL LIFE IS LIKE this.
This life is miserable, painful, difficult, and hopeless.

We've all felt it.
But why?

—Cause we, as human beings, have a voracious appetite for pleasure and acceptance which we can never quench. These constant desires prevent us from ever being satisfied by anything in this world.

But I'm telling you, there is something AMAZINGLY, RADICALLY DIFFERENT for you.

I t ' s   t h e   G o s p e l .

AND THIS IS WHY IT'S SO AMAZING:

God doesn't shrug his shoulders at all the stuff that's wrong with this world and me in it
and decide he can tolerate all the shortcomings.
It's not about acceptance; it's about reconciliation.
He doesn't accept me 'as I am.'
He doesn't leave me to remain in this current state;
HE RADICALLY TRANSFORMS ME WITH HIS LOVE.

"The Gospel is better than unconditional love.

  The Gospel says, ‘God accepts you just as Christ is.

God has ‘contraconditional’ love for you.’ 

CHRIST BEARS THE BURDEN YOU DESERVE  

Christ is fully pleasing to the Father

and gives you His own perfect goodness.  

Christ reigns in power,
making you the Father’s child and coming close to you 

to begin to change what is unacceptable to God about you. 

God never accepts me ‘as I am.’ 

He accepts me ‘as I am in Jesus Christ.’

THE CENTER OF GRAVITY IS DIFFERENT

The true Gospel does not allow God’s love

to be sucked into the vortex of the soul’s lust

for acceptability and worth in and of itself."

 
[C.J. Mahaney]

Your guilt, lostness, and shame aren't yours to bear.

[it's time to reconcile]

†

OSTRICHES: [the Questioning]

This post is the second of a three-part documentation of the journey my overly-analytical mind took while hitting the replay button on the song below. Please give it a listen in its entirety before diving in; I've written out the lyrics for your convenience. Click here to read part one.

—   —   —

My False by Matt Corby

You see, I don't know where I'm running to

It's become quite hard to see

There's a guilty weight on my conscience

Of all my wrongful deeds

It's time to reconcile
It's time to reconcile

Oh, if I walk into the darkness, I'll be lost
But if I try to stay, the light will show my false

I will keep my head in the sand, dear

Let the grains block out the sun

With shame as my companion

It will stay close til I'm done

It's time to reconcile
It's time to reconcile

Oh, if I walk into the darkness, I'll be lost
But if I try to stay, the light will show my false


Oh, if I walk into the darkness, I'll be lost
But if I try to stay, the light will show my false

—   —   —

Songs are funny, cause the narrator might not necessarily be the guy who wrote it. But when I first heard the lyrics of this song, I immediately wished I could talk to the person whose sentiment they convey. There are so many things I'd want to ask... Questions that, if I'm being transparent, I would like to pose to most people I meet; there are some things that nobody spends time thinking about, and those tend to be the things that everyone should think about.

[the Questioning]

            —ask yourself—

Do you feel a lack of direction?

Why?

And why are you running when you don't know where you're going?

            —ask yourself—

Is guilt something you should just try to shake off?

Cause it's a tangible thing; You feel it. 

But do you think you should?

Is guilt something we deserve?

Why or why not?

And where does it come from?

            —ask yourself—

Are you more afraid of the stuff you do, or the idea that other people might find out?

What do you do with the shame you feel daily?

Is that something you just have to accept, or is the goal to try to ignore it?

Letting yourself be ignorant of your circumstances
—colloquially 'keeping your head in the sand'—
does that make it any better?

Do you think you deserve to feel better?

Why?

            —ask yourself—

What would make it better?

What is reconciliation?

To what or whom are you being reconciled?

How do you achieve it?

—   —   —

If I pay attention, I don't see people thriving.
It seems like the ache of this song is echoed in the hearts of everyone around me.

And maybe you've noticed, too.
Maybe, as hard as you try,
a purposeful, beautiful, joyful life just doesn't seem to be in the cards.
So here's my question:

Is this as good as it gets?

And if it isn't, why is everybody ignoring that fact—
—like ostriches with their heads in the sand?
It this isn't as good as it gets, then why is everybody pretending that it is?

Click here for part three

If I were God, I swear, I'd be so annoyed with me...

I remember when I was a youngin'.
I thought college kids were SO cool.
They were so adulty.
Independent. Confident. Awesome.
It was like, "Mannnn, I can't wait until I'm that old!"


Welp...
Here I am.
And some days I have to remind myself that I am, in fact, this old.
It's those days — the days when real life sneaks up, whops me on the back of the head and proceeds to run away, giggling — that I ask,
"EY! When did YOU get here?!"
Ridiculous, really — I've spent so much time in the last few years sitting around, praying and asking God for things. Telling Him I'm ready for this and that; ready to be used by Him and ready for real life to begin. As though I knew better than He what I was and was not ready for; as though 'real life' was something I hadn't yet entered.....

He waited patiently for the day that I finally realized I wasn't in control; the day when I willingly handed over the reins to the One who actually knows what the destination is. It was on this day that I realized that I was far better off trusting in the Author of the universe with my story than trying to feebly construct something of beauty on my own— and oh, what a day it was.

(a Tuesday, I think...)

Up next was the period in my life where I asked God what the plan was. I had acknowledged my lack-of-control-ness; I was now ready for whatever He had in store. The mildly satirical summation of my mindset was as follows:

"Hey, God. I have no control over anything; You've completely got it covered. You're awesome and powerful and loving and in control and all that stuff. Mmm."
*thoughtful pause*
"So. Since I fully trust you now and everything— where exactly are we going?"

Sarah Thvedt has given me some pretty brutal colloquial beatings to this effect.
I've grown to love it.
I've also grown from it; I've seen my capricious faithlessness and realized it takes more than that to truly hand my life over to my Creator.

And some days I feel peace about leaving my life in God's hands. Some days I worry about the future and where I'm headed. Some days I feel ready to take on the world and I wish He'd hurry up and let me in on the agenda. Some days I feel entirely inadequate for the tasks at hand.

Each and every day I feel blessed to have my life in His hands.

My God is a god who guides.
My God is a god who is in control.
My God is a god who has a perfect plan.
My God is a god who gives me everything I need.
My God is a god who knows the right timing for everything.
My God is a god who loves me despite my constant second-guessing.
My God is a god who is way more patient with me than I would be with myself.

...Thank God.

A change of major.

I've mused over this for quite some time.
And decided I don't want to get a teaching degree. Not anymore—

I'll teach for the rest of my life.
I couldn't stop that if I wanted to; it's what God has gifted me with.

Now, our system has produced plenty of wonderful teachers.
And there are those who will do brilliant things with teaching degrees.

But I don't think I could handle it.
I feel like my passion would be crushed by our educational system.

I don't want to submit to it;
if I do I feel like it'll use me to squander my students' potential.

I'd spend my career longing for something more.
Searching for what I'm missing, lacking the freedom to see it realized.

Have we really found the most effective way to utilize gifts and passions?
Have we really reached the plateau of education in our country?

Bubbling up from my core is an emphatic, resounding, "No."
It echoes through the whole of society.

I want to tear down presuppositions about standardized, systematic learning.
I want to break it apart and reveal it's flaws.

More than that, I want make it better.

I want to change what learning looks like.
I want to reform how our society views education.

I'm filled with an inexplicable desire.
There's a fire burning within me.

I can't put it out.
I don't want to.

What is the deal?

The more I read the Word,
the more I realize how filthy and pathetic I am.
The more I see of my own shortcomings,
the more I want to follow the example of Christ.
The more I learn about Jesus,
the more undeserving I feel.
The more I realize my own unworthiness,
the more I understand how overwhelmingly loved I am.
And the more I see God's perfect, selfless love,
the more I want to read His Word.

WHAT is the DEAL?!

What is it about Christ that draws me irresistibly to him?
Despite having light shed on my filthiness, shortcomings, and unworthiness...
I can't stay away.

I know do bad things and I know I'm not a good person.
Anyone who thinks they're a good person is lying to themselves...
But then there's this guy who was actually perfect,
and he chose to go and get himself crucified.
And then he said that it was for me;
for the stuff I've done.
And that what he did washes all that crap away.

And if I could, in my selfishness,
I think I'd prefer to take that 'get outta Hell free card'
and leave this crazy radical to his ethereal schemes,
continuing to live my life the way I want to.

But something about him just doesn't let me do that.
Something about his bleeding, broken body
calls me back to the foot of the cross
to gaze at his horrific suffering and death,
and just...
 

Worship.
Cry out.
Be humbled.
Mourn over my sin.
Give up control of my live.
Repent and turn from my disgusting monstrosities.
Learn and grow in my understanding of the Creator of the universe.
And fight against my evil nature until the day I'm called home.

His irresistible, selfless, undeserved love draws me in,
making me hate myself,
while giving me the ability,
the strength,
the conviction,
and the desire
to change who I am,
soli deo gloria.

Submit yourselves therefore to God.

Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.

Cleanse your hands, you sinners,

and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 

Be wretched and mourn and weep. 

Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. 

Humble yourselves before the Lord, 

and he will exalt you. 

James 4:7 

†

my heart is breaking, overflowing

You are so loving, so kind-hearted.
One of the most generous, forgiving souls
I've ever had the pleasure of meeting.
And yet you're on a path to destruction
paved with sweet thoughts and good deeds
that will fool everyone
right up until it really matters.
On that Day,
do you think the perfect, holy, almighty God
will look at all your shiny happy actions
and give you a pat on the head
and a first-class ticket to paradise?
You sin just like the rest of us,
like everyone who has ever lived
---apart from one.
And that One
was mocked and tortured and murdered
and had the horrific wrath of a righteous Judge poured on him
to save us all from the death we earned for our sinfulness.
For the sake of mankind.
FOR YOU.
You've lived a wonderful life;
that much can be seen from the surface.
But do you think it counts for eternity?
No matter how good we are,
we don't deserve it.
We can't earn it.
And if we try to do it on our own,
we scorn his shame
and set ourselves on a steadfast course to Hell.
Forever is coming.
Each day of our Earthly life wisps by as eternity draws nearer and nearer.
And saying that you don't quite know what you believe,
or that your idea of God is just different,
or that you've got your whole life to figure it out
is a cop-out.
And it doesn't change anything.
My heart breaks daily
for the condition of your soul.
But I want you to know
that, while I ache constantly out of love for you,
I rest in this assurance:
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt
that if our Creator chooses to give you a glimpse of eternity
and enables you to see His all-surpassing grace,
you will be irresistibly drawn to Him.
I long for that day.
I pray for it earnestly.
I love you.

Jane Austen > George Bernard Shaw

My Fair Lady.

We watched it last night.

(The Audrey Hepburn one, I haven't seen the play)

I've been brooding ever since.

And I'm still moderately irked.

(As much as you can be after watching an Audrey Hepburn movie, anyway...)

Why?

Higgins.

Of course they end up together.

Silly old movies always give you what you expect in that regard.

(Except for Casablanca, of course, which is why it's so fantastic.)

But honestly?

He's the same egotistical, contemptuous, self-righteous

---I'm looking for a noun here that runs no risk of being offensive---

Brute?

He's the same at the end of the movie as he was at the beginning.

Why do I dislike it so much when characters are allowed to maintain the same level of elevated conceit throughout the duration of a story line? Perhaps I've been spoiled by Pride and Prejudice... I spent a year pouring over that text, analyzing the arrogance and eventual humility of both Darcy and Elizabeth. (Not of my own volition-- it was for a class. I like the book, but I'm not THAT crazy.) The nature of the story-- the reason it's endearing-- is that they both have to realize that their level of presupposed self-awesomeness isn't quite where they had previously thought; they have to get over themselves. They force one another to develop-- to grow and change and become better people. And to be honest, it's quite refreshing.


Iron sharpens iron. It's something meaningful. Something to strive after, you know what I mean?

how fickle my heart; how faithful his

I say I know God's plan. I say I'm ready, ready for my life to begin.

When did I start thinking my life hadn't already begun?

I've been wasting away in this stagnancy, thinking that some event or another will mark the start of it all. How have I been content in that? How can I sit and wait on another person to... to what? Make me feel more complete? Make me feel valued? Secure? What evidence has anyone ever seen of the things of this earth offering true satisfaction, true comfort, true peace? It's funny, really. I get into power struggles with the one who created me--- and I consistently lose. But the more I surrender to God, the more He breaks down the things I try to find security in. And the more He takes my comfort blankets away, the more I realize that He is enough. HE'S ENOUGH. What in the world is the matter with me that I can't just abide in that?

I'm becoming increasingly aware of my own insufficiency; it's SO evident to me. I live for the moments when I realize my weakness is His strength. I just want to soak that up... I really do. I long for the ability to recklessly abandon everything. But again and again, in my idiotic unfaithfulness, I try to take control of my life. Struggles consume me and I finally give them over to God, but I still won't let Him have my future.

He's the Author of the Universe. What's wrong with me?

I found this note stuck in my bible, a prayer I wrote down last summer while I was counseling at Hidden Acres-- the same thing I'm doing this summer. It was pretty long, but this particular piece caught me:

I want so badly to know what's in store for me, but I know that if you showed me a glimpse of the future, all I would do is become impatient with your timing: and your timing is perfect. Lord, allow me to be content with waiting, with trusting and not knowing what's around the corner. Give me peace; quiet my heart.

It hasn't lost any truth.

burn, burn

All I want is time.
Free, expansive, unimpeded time.
to do with as I please.
Time to play my guitar.
All I want to do is play my guitar until my fingers bleed.
And then I'll superglue them shut and play more, more, more.
I want time to create art,
as much as I want, in whatever medium I want
at my own leisurely pace,
with no one telling me that taking the ACT
and applying for colleges is more important.
My grandchildren won't care how many colleges I applied to.
They won't treasure my test scores and show them to their children.
My great-grandmother's paintings are hanging all around my house.
I want time to read,
and not, like, obscure excerpts from King Lear
or random short stories about racial tension that my AP lit teacher piles on us.
I want to get lost in scripture for hours
and not have to worry about anything but what is pouring into me.
Last night I was 34 psalms deep
...when I got a text from a friend.
There are other distractions in my life that I want to have the option of escaping from.
I want to re-read all my favorite books,
and I want time to sit for an hour after i've finished them,
and just revel in their poetic construction and meaning.
I want time to laugh with my nieces.
And not worry about all the other pressing, 'important' things I need to be doing.
I want to swing and play dress-up and sing for hours.
I want time to go on a walk.
just walk around
in the cold and the still and the silence
and marvel at my Creator's creation.
That would be the greatest christmas present ever,
besides maybe the guitar that my mom is trying to hide in her room,
if someone were to simply ask me if I would like to go on a walk.
where to?
where ever we end up.
nothing else to do today
nothing we should be worrying about
no deadlines to meet.
I've already taken the stupid ACT...
I want to take an entire day
to just call all the people I haven't spoken with since summer,
people whose lives I wanted to invest it to a great extent,
until I let my busy schedule get in the way.
There's no excuse for that.
There were ministry opportunities that faded away
as I watched from behind my planner
filled with scratchy notes and reminders.
I feel like there isn't enough time in the world for me
to do whatever it is I'm supposed to do.
to be whoever it is I'm supposed to be.
to blossom like a flower in early spring,
growing in my creativity
and my understanding
my faith
my love
my joy
my influence
my conviction
I want to grow into whatever sort of woman God wants me to be.
I want to calm the chaos
I want to invigorate the mundane.
I want to never say any commonplace thing
or settle for mediocre.
I want to be set ablaze
to have an insatiable thirst for more of beauty, light, love, my God.




I want more.




The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
...And miles to go before I sleep.

-Robert Frost