i use the word superfluous in everyday conversation

This turned into a resolution-ish statement. Not really intended to be... but whatever works, I suppose.

Six-ish hour car van ride happenings
(events, discussions, and my own meandering mind)
with myself, Stephanie Haila, and three sleeping persons.

Hour One: Hidden Acres Reminiscing / Story time/ Everything changes so muchhh.

My thoughts during hour one: 

I'm building a legacy at this place I love,

but who am I doing it for?

Is the legacy

"Grace was great counselor"

or is it

"This camp is 100% Christ-centered,

and I want my kids going there to strengthen their faith 

and to learn what fell0wship really looks like"

 well,

there are people who were around camp for years

investing time and sacrificing better-paying jobs

to impact kids' lives.

They were legendary counselors,

but nobody remembers their names after a few years.

What they left, though,

the thing that was immortalized,

was the effect they had on camp and the kids and the people they were working with.

How they glorified Christ through their words and actions.

I don't want to do anything for me,

I want it all to be for Him.

My sinful selfishness gets in the way.

but I'm working on it.

 *end thoughts*

 

Hour Two: Steph = driving. Me = joining the other slug-a-beds in a brief slumber.

Hour Three: Listen to all Jon Foreman's season EPs. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.  
 

My thoughts during hour three: 

I have a rock 

that I need to depend on

MUCH more than I have been.

Why would I want my future to be in my hands anyway?

- - - - -

Nobody likes it when a relationship begins rapidly and flawlessly.

Seriously. It's the worst.

Pam and Jim finally got together,

got married and had a baby...

what happened?

>> Steve Carell leaves <<

And the office starts to look a little bit

like the plane 5 minutes into Madagascar 2.

hillarious, but depressing.

also, shut up. I know it's not the best analogy. 

- - - - -

I WANT CONFLICT

and thennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

I WANT RESOLUTION
I want  a written, choreographed, real-life journey.

"Oneday,

I will walk with you,

Across this bridge,

We're building,

And my heart will say,

What can't be said.

But for now

I'll keep my tongue tied,

And let the pages unfold,

If time is against us,

Our love will be young,

When we're old."

I want to struggle and lament and wrestle with my singleness.

And find peace.

And THEN, well.

"Whatever, God...

Do with me as you wish."

I want to give my life over to Him,
but I still have all these things that I'm longing for;
I want to take the wheel,
...But I wouldn't know where to go if I had it.
"We're either riders or fools behind the reigns" 
It's a work in progress.

 *end thoughts*

LUNCH BREAK!

HOUR FOUR: What are Grace's life plans for the next five years? Gab gab gab. What is going on in Steph's life? Gab gab gab gab gab. Lot's of quality catch-up chatting. (shocked that we didn't start with this? samesies.)

My thoughts during hour four:

I know where I want to be

I know who I want to be

I have no clue where I'll actually be

But I know without a doubt that,

if I let Him,

my God will shape and orchestrate me and my life.

So where will I be in five years?

Where ever He wants, I guess.

It's a hard thing to have complete faith in.

but I'm working on it..

it's a work in progress.

*end thoughts*

HOUR FIVE: personality analysis  = my favorite thing. It's my favorite thing.

Thoughts during hour five:

I am SO motivated by recognition.

At least in terms of creating something,

I'm 100% fueled by positive acknowledgment

it scares me a little bit.

It's unstable,

unreliable. 

It reminds me of how human I am.

"This blood is fire rushing through my veins"

It's just another example

of how much I cling to worldly things,

opinions, expectations.

Last night I made a new page in my book

with a poem someone in my church wrote, 

and a song someone at my church performed..

And then I sat in my room

and cried.

Thanking God for the inspiration that came straight from Him

to bring different mediums together,

all intended to glorify Him.

I want to channel all that praise back to the original Author,

but it's hard when that pride is my energy.

I can't pry it from my clenched fists,
though;

I want my heart to be in the right place--

I want to give it back willingly.

sincerely.

genuinely.

I'm working on it...

it's a work in progress.

*end thoughts*

HOUR SIX:  Listen to Mark Driscoll on Joy in Suffering.

Thoughts during hour six:

Suffering isn't God punishing me for my sin.

I sometimes get tricked into feeling that way.

But my sin has been bought.

It's been paid for.

Jesus was tortured and murdered for it,

and He is no longer in the grave.
HE IS NO LONGER IN THE GRAVE

Suffering is an opportunity.

The way I react to it entirely determines the fruit of it.

If I get bitter and angry at God,

I'm no different than the world.

If I take it with continuous joy and patience

and let a love that I could never comprehend pour out of me...

"You shine like stars in the universe."

I have to constantly remind myself to be a lighthouse.

That's why I'm here.

 And it's not easy, but it's not my own strength that I'm depending on, anyway.

It's hard, but He's helping me work on it.

*end thoughts*

Andddddddddddddddddd..... I'm HOME! 


Jesus,
Thank you for suffering.
For directing
orchestrating
shaping
uplifting 
encouraging
and loving me more than I could ever,
with this earthly body and human mind,
comprehend.
Help me behave like a person who has received more than I could ever deserve
Help me shine. 
Always, only, ever for You.