...there your heart will be also.

Sometimes it's necessary to take a step back

and realize what things in your life you've elevated to the highest priority.

IDOLATRY.

I don't worship false gods.

I don't bow down before a large golden statue of a cow.

I don't idolize celebrities...

But when I put family, school and friendships

before my relationship with God,

even if only slightly,

those things, which were good things,

are now idols in my life.

....Dangit.

"He only sees one thing, he cares for one thing,

he lives for one thing, he is swallowed up in one thing;

and that one thing is to please God.

Whether he lives, or whether he dies --

whether he has health, or whether he has sickness--

whether he is rich, or whether he is poor--

whether he pleases men, or whether he gives offense--

whether he is thought wise, or whether he is thought foolish--

whether he gets blame, or whether he gets praise--

whether he gets honor, or whether he gets shame--

for all this the zealous man cares nothing at all.

He burns for one thing;

and that one thing is to please God,

and to advance God's glory."

- J.C. Ryle

So, where is my treasure?
I've got to continually remind myself:

the things that are seen are transient,
but the things that are unseen are eternal.

2 Corinthians 4:18

†

Dear Mom and Dad (and anyone else who might care),

I'm all settled in my dorm...
There are lots of nice people in my hall.
We just watched a movie with a projector on a giant screen under the stars.
And by we,
I mean hundreds of people that I don't know who also happen to go to UNI.
It wasn't a good movie, so I watched the cosmos instead.
I'm done with my homework.
I get it done early.
My teachers are all normal human beings.
Some of them are even kind.
I couldn't find one of my classes on Tuesday and I didn't tell anyone.
It wasn't my fault or anything; my schedule had the wrong room number on it.
Don't worry, I figured it out. Eventually...
And went and talked to the professor,
to apologize for my freshman-ness,
and see what I missed and how I could be prepared for the next class:
I handled it by myself.
I felt like a grown-up,
and a scared little kid,
all at the same time.
Every morning I wake up a little too early.
So I go to the union and eat a muffin and drink some juice and read my bible...
And I wait for my day to begin.
People smile at me.
I smile back.

It's been a while since I hit my head on my loft.

A while translates into roughly 6 hours.

I clipped my nails today, because I couldn't play my guitar.
Someone tell my nieces that their aunt loves them, okay?

I'm scared to try to use the coin laundry machines.
I stay up later than I mean to every night.
I miss my brothers.
Advice from my first week: if your biggest pet peeve is air blowing on you,
don't live in a place that's SO hot you're forced to have fans on you 24/7.
I've been eating remarkably heathy meals each day.
My love of spinach is accredited to Earl Taylor.
Thanks, bud.
This morning I awoke to discover the astonishing fact that
both my watch AND the clock on our wall had stopped working overnight.
I proceeded to freak out, thinking I had overslept,
only to find my phone, which had fallen on the floor, revealing the time to be
5:38 AM.
Yep.
I've been quoted in two peoples' Facebook statuses this week.
Reading one made me cry...
The other one was:
"We're church shoppin' like it's Black Friday!"
Explanation:
At the end of the week,
I will have gone to precisely 11 church-affiliated events.
Separate churches.
Separate events.
I'm tired.
I miss my house church.
I miss my Mother church.
I miss...
Remind me to buy batteries.
And more tea bags.
And probably some instant oatmeal, if it's on sale.
I went on a run the other day.

My ancient phone has been working well-- I know you were wondering.

The desk lamp I got from Goodwill has a warning about UV radiation.........

Should I be concerned?

Luke: I've had some time to read C.S.,
but I don't know if I'll be done by Labor Day.

My heels hurt when they touch the floor each morning.
Not so sure what that's about...

Today I called my high school French teacher,
and I thanked her for preparing me so well.
Many of the people in my classes can't pronounce basic vocabulary...
I feel like a French wizard--- magically capable of helping them out.
Sometimes I break pens.
Pencils, highlighters, staplers...
Mom... Should I be watering our plant more? How much sunlight does it need?
I miss your morning hugs.
And the other-times-of-day ones, too.
So far I've only made two paper cranes during my entire time here.

I have a terrible feeling that that's symbolic in some horrible way...

I want a best friend.

I want a best friend who lives near me.

I want a best friend who lives near me and loves Jesus.

I want a best friend who lives near me and loves Jesus and shows it.

I've said my name, majors, hometown and grade more times this week
than my junior and senior years combined.
Dad, you know what a feat that is.
... and I have a picture of us
skating when I was 11 years old
framed on my desk.

With Colossians 1:9-12 and "Do good" written by it.

Sometimes I just feel like crying.
You know what I mean?

20/20

I'm struggling. 
I'm struggling with the state of the world around me.
But more importantly, I'm struggling with the state of my own undeserving heart.


The more I know of God, the more obvious my own inadequacy becomes.
Which makes sense, right? 
You think your socks are clean until you buy a new pair.
They're a pure, dazzling, flawless white. And your old socks, though freshly washed, don't seem so perfect anymore. And they won't-- not ever again. Because you thought you knew what "white" meant before that trip to Target; you really did. But now you know you were wrong. 
You think you see the world as it is until you get glasses for the first time.
And suddenly you realize those green blobs you've been staring at are leaves. And you can see eyelashes, and fine print, and the grain of your hardwood floors in a bright new crispness that you never knew existed. And can you ever go back to life without glasses? Impossible-- because now YOU SEE HOW BLIND YOU WERE. 


And ain't that the truth?


The more glimpses we catch of the absolute love, power and holiness of our Creator...
The more apparent our own crappiness becomes.
And the more we comprehend our depravity...
The more we clearly see our desperate need to cling to the cross.


Which is why it's hard for me to see people who say they love God reacting differently to His majesty. And I've thought over this and wrestled with risking sounding prideful, but here it is:
If you really know Jesus, and you really see what He went through, and you really comprehend that He did it BECAUSE of you --willingly-- for your sake and the sake of humanity.... How can you see yourself as more righteous than others who don't know what you know?
THEY HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE
THAT THE GUILTLESS SON OF GOD WAS CRUCIFIED FOR THEIR FOLLIES.
you do.
If you are what you say you are, then you've tasted the reality of Christ's unbelievable grace in your life. And that shouldn't make us feel superior to other people---
it should make us fall down on our faces and mourn.
Like, wail in agony over the fact that,
WE ARE THE THORNS IN HIS CROWN
WE ARE THE BEADS OF SWEAT ON HIS BROW
WE ARE THE NAILS IN HIS WRISTS
and He loves us anyway.


Which is the most amazing fact ever. But that shouldn't make you feel like you've received forgiveness because you're somehow better than others. We should feel overwhelmingly loved, yes-- but also overwhelmingly humbled that He chose to save us. US! In the rotten, sinful, unworthy state we were in. You know what else is cool? You have a brand new pair of glasses with which to inspect your old, nasty, stained socks; as we understand more of God, it isn't our pride that should increase...
it's our humility.

"That's why we love Jesus so much more than religion.

Religion is only for the good people, that's what they think.

Those who are religious and think they're good, they're the worst of all.

Jesus is for everyone else; the sinners, the broken, the rebels,

the hard-hearted, stiff-necked nobodies from nowhere;

the illiterate, the poor, the outcasts,

the marginalized, weak failures....

If we deserved His gift, it wouldn't be grace.

You know that Jesus wants to be with you,

not because you are amazing, but because He is?

He is the God of grace."

we've almost arrived.

I'm approaching the end of something, but I'm not entirely sure what that something is. Childhood? Sounds odd saying I'm an adult now... It's like, "When did THAT happen? When did I stop being a kid?" But I guess these things don't ever really have a definitive closure... I don't think it's quite the beginning of something new, though; not yet at least. So that places me in a kind of limbo for another week and a half.
I feel very non-existent.
I'm leaving my family. And my room. And my town. I'm not a part of my high school anymore, leaving all those great people (and all the sub-par ones, too) behind for... for what? A new community, a new home, a new school, a new job, a new group of yet-to-be-determined friends.
SIDE NOTE: if you stare at the word 'new' for too long it starts to look like it's not spelled correctly. I'm also starting to question the context in which I've used it. None of these things are actually new. They've been there for quite a jolly good chunk of time; other people have occupied the space I'm headed towards, and been quite comfortable in my figurative to-be-inherited shoes. The only new thing about my rapidly approaching circumstances is... me.

Last night Ali and I went on a walk. In passing my old elementary school, we felt compelled to wander over to the playground and swing for a bit. The conversation was gold; we talked about family, we talked about friends. Life, faith, struggles, joys, and the impending college experiences we're headed in different directions to experience in a matter of weeks. I gave her a fantastic little tour of the Fellows playground which, by the way, is basically the coolest thing ever. It's practically a castle. So, continuing to discuss the complexity of life, we sat up in one of the towers for... an hour? two hours? three? Who knows..

At some point, though, I noted how peculiarly picturesque that particular moment in time was. Sounds like something that should be in a movie, doesn't it? Sitting in your elementary school playground with a dear friend, at the end of your last summer of childhood, about to go off to college for the first time, gazing at the opportunities and lessons ahead, pondering faith and relationships and life. I feel as though that moment is one I'll remember for a real long time.

I'm being weirdly sentimental....

Meh.
The day is drawing nearer.

Romans 6

Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus
were baptized into his death?

We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death,

in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father,

we too might walk in newness of life. 

For if we have been united with him in a death like his,

we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his.

We know that our old self was crucified with him

in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing,

so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin.  

For one who has died has been set free from sin. 

Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him.

We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again;

death no longer has dominion over him.

For the death he died he died to sin, once for all,
but the life he lives he lives to God. 

So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin

and alive to God in Christ Jesus.

†

sufficient is tomorrow's worry

Sometimes I get scared by the things that scare me.

The full potential of that sentence to convey what I'm trying to get across could very easily be lost in the illogicality of the English language.

Let's try again:

I get freaked out when I take a closer look at the types of things that worry me.

Did you get it that time?

There are silly things and there are not so silly things. For example: I worry about the degradation of my cooking abilities via college enabling me to neglect practice. (Thanks, dining hall...) With that one I'm like, "Aiiiiiight: WHY am I actually worrying about this? What's wrong with me? I feel like cooking is more of a riding-a-bike thing than a using-the-quadratic-formula thing. You don't ever have to re-learn it, it just kind of sticks with you."

But then... I worry about being utterly miserable at college because I'm away from my nieces... My family, my friends, those I love and cherish and don't want to replace... And on this I muse, "There's merit here: this is scratching the surface of a potentially huge problem. If I can't handle being away from these people for a few months at a time, what happens when I study abroad? Student teach in France? Get a job in a town hours away? Marry someone from a different state? I thrive on closeness. I'm passionate about my relationships. Am I setting myself up for a depressed life of pining after those I can't hug every morning and sip tea next to while racing to finish the day's crossword?"

I freak myself out, going on these tangents that carry me off until I have sneaky tears sliding down my face, mourning the idea that my nieces will forget me; that I'm not a sufficient friend, sister, daughter; that I'm incapable of helping others; that I'm too silly or too stupid or too selfish; that I'm not appropriately stewarding God's gifts; that I don't know where the heck I'm going in life and, thus, am wasting the time I've been given, floating around aimlessly without direction or purpose---

But, alas. I'm reminded that none of it is true.

And that worry is a synonym for not trusting God's plan.

And I'm beating this dead, rotting horse more than I can believe, but allow me to say it once more-- because in my insecure, doubtful state I need to be reminded so often: God does have a plan. And I am safest in His hands. He has purpose and direction for my life that is better than anything I could ever dream up. And when I'm feeling insufficient or worried or anxious and don't trust Him, He will gently guide me back into His loving arms and show me that He is all I need.

Matthew 6:

Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also... Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

The prayer of a dear friend from this summer:

"Grace... I pray you have spent time in intimacy with God today. I pray you dwell in God's house; that you do not simply visit. Do not be distracted. Be genuine, be present, & acknowledge the temporal quality of your worries. Rest in the continued presence of God. I pray you live intentionally, each moment, for God's glory. Trust that He will be faithful, even if you are unfaithful to Him, for that is His nature... Amen"

sting

"I want to keep walking away from the person I was a moment ago, because a mind was made for figure things out, not to read the same page recurrently." -Donald Miller

Correction, growth, refinement. I have this inherent, burning desire to see myself progress. There's a lengthy list of flaws that need to be pruned. I'm prideful. Unkind. Lazy, irresponsible, rude, and above all, selfish. Perhaps you haven't noticed... Perhaps I hide it all quite skillfully. I certainly hope not; I want to be open and vulnerable about my failures, because it's what makes me human, and it's what makes the cross so sweet. As a Christ-follower I can step out of the shadows and reveal my faults; that's when they're washed away. When I'm weak, then I am strong. It's hard, though. I mean, who really wants to shout their flaws from the rooftops? It doesn't sound too terribly appetizing... That gets me thinking, though--- if at any point I'm not willing to openly confess that my heart is rotting in sin from the inside out--- Do I really want to be transformed? When I'm transparent about my sin, it brings glory to God through what Christ is doing in my life. Isn't my silence really just me denying, holding onto that which I don't want to admit or give up? I occasionally have to reassess, then, if that's truly what I'm looking for. I can honestly say that I want change, but I think sometimes I'd prefer if that change wasn't internal. Sanctification is hard: it stings. It's not what we want by nature. It's going against the grain; it's dragging yourself upstream--- against the current--- toward something that, you have to remind yourself repeatedly, is actually better for you. I catch myself desiring change in my life (instead of in my heart) simply because I'm not content with my current circumstances. But I'm not content with the circumstances God has placed me in because of a deeper issue. This world is tainted by sin and will never satisfy any of us-- so where should I be finding my contentment, really?

God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him. 

...reading When I Don't Desire God by John Piper and listening to
Wedding Dress by Derek Webb