whelmed.

Apparently, by virtue of being me, I'm not allowed to act solemn. Or somber or gloomy, or even be quiet, at any time. Anything other than ecstatic, actually. At least not without my mother asking me if I am depressed. I almost laughed when she said that, but then I was momentarily curious. I've never been a real believer in depression. I mean, I acknowledge that there are people out there who are genuinely depressed and really do need help, but I think a lot of the time it's just used as an excuse by people who are going through a bit of a rough patch... (We all have them)

Anyway, I humored that perhaps I really am depressed and proceeded to look up the symptoms of depression.

It turns out I currently have like 93% of the symptoms. Yikes, kids.

After we sorted it out... "Come on, really? Let's be honest: it's me; I'm not depressed," my very astute mother proceeded to wonder aloud if I should see a doctor. For what? Well, maybe there is something tangibly wrong with me.

Other than....

having a poorly functioning immune system that lets me be sick for 34% of my life,

being anemic and hypotensive (crappy blood and not much of it),

having a severely crooked spine that has been recently accused of causing frequent migranes and joint pain,

.... frequent migranes and joint pain,

and being an obscenely stressed, over-worked senior in high school?

naww, I'm good.

And I'm not being sarcastic when I say that, however difficult that might be to believe. I don't need a doctor poking and pricking and testing me only to inform me that I need vitamins or something... The determining factor between going through some difficult stuff (with physical or mental health), and being depressed, is something to lean on and trust it. My mom could tell when I hadn't been giving stuff up to Jesus; my joy was gone. My level of energy and happiness is down to an earthly level, and that is unusual for me, apparently. I hate when life and business crowd out my quiet time, but it happens a lot. And it's sooo obvious to the people around me. I love and hate this. I hate when God gets shoved aside and it affects me negatively, but how cool is it to see what a change Christ can make in a person :)

I guess I don't want to hide when I'm writing in this thing. I don't really know who will read it or what they'll think of it, but what I really don't want is to be artificial. Sometimes I think that if I can be 100% open and honest with everyone, (literally, anyone and everyone could read this) then people will see my sincerity and be drawn to Christ through something I said or wrote. But that's not what it's about, really. It's about what I do. And when my actions are negative because I haven't been drinking in the Word... Well, that particular brand of conviction makes tears come to my eyes.

But we're called to confess our wrongdoings out in the open. I don't just want to be the type of person who only writes about awesome stuff that happened, or be all preachy to whichever poor soul may have stumbled upon my blog.. If God shows me something amazing, I'm won't hesitate in writing about it. If at all possible, I'll probably take a picture. But life has ups and downs, and right now I'm in a valley. I think that's a fair thing to say.. I'm striving to be genuine here... I'm tired and discouraged and overwhelmed and in pain almost constantly. But my Father is breaking me so that He can mold me.

And I think that process just began, here.. in front of this stupid Dell with tenth avenue north playing and a hundred million tabs and word documents open with home-workings and obscurities vital to the never-ending application process, where I decided that I needed a moment to breathe before plunging back down into the demands of my station in life.

Thanks for sharing this moment with me.